Another day in the neighborhood

I'm a Mess!

2008-09-24T18:45:00.000-05:00

I CANNOT seem to get organized!

Jeff and I went last night and made the final selection on my ring, it's an Ideal cut, colorless stone, round and .96 c. Sweet! This diamond is so pretty it hurts to think about it. Really. I'm getting a little panicked at the thought of wearing it on my finger for the rest of my life. I don't question marrying Jeff, just my ability to not have the stone fall out or something.

Anyway, I meant to start over this week and try and get my tail back on the program. I had been doing so well for the last month and then all of the wedding stuff happened and I sank right back in to old habits. It's a nervous thing, I get that. I just wish I could get on top of it. I keep telling myself that I need to focus on one decision at a time but frankly, I seem to vacillate between forgetting to eat and almost passing out, and gorging myself on comfort foods.

I haven't been to the gym in I don't know how long, though I really want to go! It's just that there never seems to be the time. This wedding is snowballing into twice the size that we originally anticipated and it's freaking me out. I'm a detail person and there are so many initial decisions that need to be made that I can't figure out how to get everything done, still home school, and still function in other areas of my life.

Does that make sense?

It's like I barely had enough time to work and home school before and now that we've tossed wedding planning into the mix, WOW! I barely get laundry done, I barely SHOWER!

I guess it's because I'm planning a huge amount of DIY projects to save money. Invitations were the project of the day- I have NO IDEA what I want. Colors. Nothing. My Save the Dates have to be put together by Oct 6th or I lose the fantastic deal that I found on them. How good of a deal? Try 100 personalized, professionally printed, engagement photo attached postcards for $12 shipping included! Yeah. THAT good.

I just need to quickly teach myself how to use Adobe inDesign or Illustrator to put them together. No biggie right? LOL

I feel gross right now. I've gained about four pounds in the last week and a half and I can't seem to get it in gear. I'd totally step back from everything for a few days, but unfortunately, there just isn't the time. See above for example.

I'm thinking Saturday will be the day. It's my birthday and I'm going to relax and enjoy it. We'll probably take some of our engagement photos then, I'll get my ring (YAY!), and all will be right with the world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take an online tutorial of Illustrator.

Hoping for a good week

2008-09-21T11:08:00.002-05:00

I'm about to take off and meet my best friend Amanda at the fabric store to look at possible Bridesmaid dress patterns. I've so wanted to try and keep the cost down for my bridesmaids and yet still have exactly what I've wanted. Spoiled, no? Anyway, I'm going to try and do a cost comparison and see exactly how much it would cost to purchase the supplies needed (fabric, notions, etc), the cost of paying someone to make them, and then compare that against the cost of actually purchasing a dress from a store. I have a feeling that it will probably work out better to have them made, but I don't know that for sure. I DO know that most of the bridesmaid dresses that I've seen that I actually like have ranged in price from $150-$275 before shipping. That just seems like too much to me, even though I've been reassured that those prices are really somewhat standard.

Anyway, I'm excited about going to look. I'm really hoping that this will be the week that I get my engagement ring. My birthday is this Saturday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :-) David will hopefully call us sometime this week to go and look at the diamonds we requested. He said that once we choose one that we like, that he can have it set in a day. YAY! I'll be sure to post pictures for everyone to see.

Anyway, my mom and I are going to set up a time on Friday to go back to the Lodge and walk around. I need to get a better idea of table placement and set-up, if for no other reason than I need to know how much of what to rent in terms of linens. It should be fun.

Whew!

2008-09-17T10:57:00.002-05:00

So let's recap, shall we?

In the last week my car has died twice, been taken to three different mechanics, had four diagnostic tests run, and has gotten a free car wash. Unfortunately, no-one could figure out anything actually wrong with it. Ya know, other than the fact that it died on me twice! Best guess is that there was a loose battery cable and that one of the times that they tested the battery it was tightened down properly and the problem was resolved.

We lost the church that I so desperatly wanted. But that's okay, because we got the State Park Lodge that was our second choice. We put the deposit down on it on Monday and will be married on July 25, 2009.

I almost didn't get the jeweler that I wanted (the only one I'd trust), but my incredible mother was able to track down his home number. I called him, he remembered us, and said that if we didn't mind looking at diamonds over his kitchen table, that he'd be happy to help us. We all (Jeff and I, my mother and my son) went over to his house on Monday and chose from a list of diamonds on a sheet. He's going to have them shipped to him (probably arriving today) and we will go from there. YAY! I'm SO nervous about picking one out though. I have no idea why! Still, David is going to give us the ring for 20% above wholesale and will only charge me $200 regardless of the metal and setting I choose (to set the stone). How friggin' cool is that??

Now back to the guest list and the search for a kilt rental/store. The good times never stop around these parts!

Now a Wedding Blog

2008-09-10T17:16:00.002-05:00

Until further notice.

Happily.

And I'm totally freaking out. My jeweler of like, oh I don't know, FOREVER has retired. This was evidenced by the gaping hole in the side of his building! He was there two months ago. Now? NOTHING!

We picked out our rings at another store and was just going to go to "David" to have him put together what we wanted (at a greatly reduced price). Now? I have no idea what we're going to do. I tracked down the man's home number, I heard that he might still do some work on the side for friends and family, but I don't know if that's actually the case. So now I'm trying to screw up my courage enough to call this poor man at home and beg him to make my engagement ring and our wedding bands.

Oh, and the church we had previously picked out? The one that was perfect in Every.Single.Way? Well... they've just instituted a new policy that says that only parishioners are allowed to get married there. ARGH!!! I spent the whole afternoon wandering around the down town area looking at all of the old historical churches and asking about policies. I found one Catholic church (which was pretty from the outside, but frankly had scary blue carpet that was who knows how old throughout the inside), that might be an option. They only want $300 for the use of the chapel, not too bad, but still... not perfect. There was the beautiful historical Methodist church that had a stunning sanctuary but was really run down everywhere else. Plus parking would be a total nightmare. All of this for the low low price of $1200.

I could just cry. Jeff and I both wanted a church wedding in a place that didn't feel totally commercialized (my problem with most modern churches), but also that didn't cost an arm and a leg. I could use my church but frankly, it feels like a convention center. It doesn't have the atmosphere I was hoping for. Jeff is Catholic but hasn't practiced down here and hasn't found a church since moving.

So I have no idea WHAT we're going to do. Who would've thought that getting married in "a House of God" would be so expensive and or impossible!

I think I might just go and have a good cry while I try and figure out ways NOT to sound totally scary and stalkish when I call the jeweler at home.

Catchin' up

2008-06-15T21:44:00.004-05:00

So in the last almost month I've been really really busy. Here are a few highlights:

* Heard from an old cop buddy that tried to convince me to join the force. I turned him down.
*Agreed to consider probation and parole.
*Had food poisoning... and what fun that was!
*Sent Michael off for a week with his grandma, a weekend with his scout troupe, and tomorrow, will send him for a week long camp out again with the scouts. I haven't seen a lot of the boy, but the rapidly decreasing amount of food in my pantry assures me that he's still around.
* Joined the YMCA at a discounted rate. Those people are phenomenal! I start working out tomorrow.
*Gained five-seven pounds. Ugh! I feel gross!
* Planted waaaayyyy too much in the way of flowers and shrubbery on the apartment patio. Looks pretty though.
* Enjoyed summer time with the family.

The next couple of weeks look like they're going to be equally busy, I have to get ready to fly out to Utah to visit my mom's family in a couple of weeks. I also kinda sorta need to find a job.

Happy Father's Day everyone!

Playing in the Swamp

2008-05-22T08:31:00.002-05:00

An Awesome Weekend

2008-05-20T08:49:00.003-05:00

Just a quick post to update:

Jeff and I have enjoyed the rare weekend alone. Michael went to visit his grandmother out of town and my mother went out of town on business. Being that those are the two people that, while I love them dearly, also demand the most of my time, Jeff and I actually got to spend the weekend together alone. It's funny, we're the two people that have always made or invented work to do. Neither of us are really capable of taking a real day off. A day of from work usually means an opportunity to clean up the house or beat the yard back into submission.

But not this weekend. This weekend we went for long drives in the country, we walked through a swamp (trust me, it was cool!), we ate out- waaaayyyy too much!, and we took naps. It was awesome!

This week brought the return of work. Because Michael is out of town I am actually able to pick up a few extra hours and work during the day.

Oh, I almost forgot! Guess what Jeff surprised me with?

A cell phone!

I've been without one for the last year and a half because I couldn't justify the expense. Apparently he sat down and determined that of the 1500 minutes he was using on his phone, all but less than 200 were used talking to me. He looked into it and discovered that he could add a second line to his phone for an additional $15 a month. Because he has T-Mobile he put us on the My Favs plan. This means that we can talk as much as we want a month. How cool is that?!! So... for the first time in ages, I actually got to talk to him while I was at work yesterday.

I had forgotten how much I missed having a phone.

Anyway, I'm trying to make the time to construct a much longer post wherein I completely wig out... but that's for another day. Here's a hint: Jeff's job is going to very soon require that he attend opening tour parties and rehearsals for major music stars. Guess who is going to be dragged along kicking and screaming? Yep. Me. And no, I wasn't being sarcastic. I really don't want to go with him. This now introduces a new sense of urgency into my 'I gotta get back into shape' whine. AGH!

2008-05-15T14:11:00.000-05:00

Well, we put it off as long as we could, but with gas prices being what they are, economically it just didn't make sense to keep the Expedition any longer. The Green Beast is gone!

In it's place is this:

Meet our new 2007 Prius Touring (aka: Roz)

We really drug our heels on this particular decision because neither of us particularly like the way the car looks. How pathetic is that? But we made the decision a couple of months ago that it just didn't make sense to get anything else. We made a list of options we wanted the car to have (for instance, we wanted a touring model), the color we wanted, the extras that were important to us and we started looking.

Boy were we surprised to find that these cars are in such demand that they simply cannot be found out here!

Until last Thursday.

We drove to Tennessee to look at it late Saturday night. We took care of the financing online on Sunday, and we drove back to Tennessee yesterday afternoon and picked it up. It was exactly what we both wanted in a car. Down to the color and the tint!

Did I mention we got a phenomenal deal on it? We paid about $8000 less for the car than it should have cost. And all because we knew the deal better than the dealer did. He had to go to Florida to get this one (that's how rare they are) and apparently didn't realize that it takes Kelly Blue Book about three months to catch up to changes in the market. YAY us!

Anyway, we averaged close to 60 mpg on the way back from Nashville (we stopped there for dinner), and only used a gallon and a half of gas. Did I mention that the car recognizes its owner? Yep. you don't need a key to unlock the door or start the car. You just push a button! How cool is that?? It even has a rear view mounted camera with night vision to help you back up more safely. Everything is handled on a touch screen monitor on the dash- the audio (with a 6 disk changer), the climate control stuff... everything! You also have the option of taking care of everything from the steering wheel so you don't have to take your hands off the wheel.

I'm totally in love with this car!

We've decided to put the necessary $1000 into my car that it needs (new tires, brakes, timing chain, water pump) and funnel more money into paying off the Prius early. We think we can have it paid off in about two years. At that time, we'll probably just get another one and save the Saturn for Michael to drive. He's about to turn twelve... he'll be driving in no time!

Needless to say, we're totally stoked about this awesome car!

Doing Much Better

2008-05-09T15:43:00.002-05:00

This week has been a lot better for me than the last couple. It's still been a struggle, but I think overall, much better.

Jeff was able to get messenger to work on his computer at work so we've been able to have short (think like 5 minutes or less) conversations during the day. I think it's helped both of us a lot.

I found a new WW meeting that I think I like. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I haven't liked the other leaders, I do, believe me, they're all great. And in fact, this new meeting has one of the old leaders in charge of it, but the people attending the meeting are different. I had hoped to find a meeting where the leader was a little closer to my own age... most of them around here are in their 50's. Not that that's a bad thing, I just don't have a lot in common with them.

Anyway, I think for now I'm going to make Friday my WI day and go from there. Weekends are always the hardest for me anyway so that will give me a whole five days to recover if I fall off the wagon. Also, I'm hoping to convince my cousin Lori to help me in the exercise department. I've been running three times a week but I feel like I need to do more. Lori has lost over 100 lbs in the last year and has done it by working her ass off. Literally. She has a friend that has been helping her by giving her assignment workouts and challenges. I'm hoping that getting her to do the same thing will motivate me a little more.

Tonight we're headed out for pizza (yeah, I know! But it's FREE!!!) and then to see Iron Man with Michael. It should be a fun night. I think we could all use the night off.

Next week Michael heads out of town with his paternal grandmother and great grandfather to visit some cousins to our South. He should be gone for about a week... just enough time to grab some much needed extra hours at work. Shoot, Jeff and I might even buy a car. We've been looking at the Prius (also known as the Atomic Easter Egg Car around these parts) for a while now. With gas now at $125 a barrel I think it's time to trade in the Expedition and start saving some money. Gas is just ridiculous and if the price of saving money is driving an ugly car, well, I can live with that.

So... have a great weekend and wish us luck!

A New Resolve

2008-05-04T14:42:00.003-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I talked about in my last post. It's really not in my nature to feel sorry for myself (despite what it must seem like right now), and in truth, I've always been a very proactive person. I've always believed that we as individuals are responsible for our own happiness, no one else. It's not up to Jeff to ensure that I'm happy, it's not up to a potential employer to give me a reason to get up in the morning. It's up to me. It's my responsibility.

I've decided that I'm going to try and combat the feelings that I've been having by trying to stay busier. I'm going to start attending Weight Watcher meetings (instead of just doing it online). I'm going to try and make plans to meet up with another stay at home wife that I haven't seen in a long time. I'm going to look for an aerobics class (or something like that), I'm going to start keeping a chart of my exercise and running activities so I'll have something to look back on and see what and where I've accomplished things. Hell, I may even try and learn Spanish.

I don't know if any of this will make watching Jeff leave after lunch, but it can't hurt. And at least I can feel like I'm actively trying to combat the feelings that I've had by doing something.

I hope it helps.

The Hardest Lesson

2008-05-03T15:05:00.003-05:00

I've noticed that I've fallen into a pattern. I start off each week motivated to accomplish tons of things, eager to get started, and satisfied that things are unfolding the way that they're supposed to. As the week goes on, it gets harder and harder for me to maintain a positive attitude, and by Friday, I'm crabby and irritable and frankly, not a helluva lot of fun to be around.

I know that a lot of it has to do with my own incredible frustration at still not having found a good job. Every professional job that I've held so far has contained some level of adrenaline. Law enforcement is known for it's pronounced periods of boredom followed by incredible bursts of adrenaline. I think I got used to that. I know I did.

I have so much to be grateful for right now, Michael has never been happier or more well adjusted. My mother is finally coming out of her grief and is beginning to enjoy life again, Jeff and I are finally together, and I'm finally able to see clearly what things are important to me.

But I'm selfish. I want more. I miss having a job that matters (and yes, I know being a mom is important, but that's not what I'm talking about).

Every day at lunch Jeff comes home and we talk about his day, the decisions that he has to make, the things he wants to work on. My suggestions to him this week have helped him to save one of his employees jobs. Had I not come up with the solution that I did and a way to launch it, an employee of Jeff's that had worked for the company for 18 years, who also has a sick wife to care for, would have been out of a job. Jeff didn't want to fire him, but it comes down to business and money. He wouldn't have had a choice. The President had already made the decision.

It felt good being able to make a difference. Jeff made a change in operations for his company that resulted in a project being completed two weeks ahead of schedule. He has meetings and employees and an office.

And I'm jealous.

That's what it boils down to.

I can clean the carpets and weed out the beds and do the laundry and wash the dishes and home school the boy and clean out the car and fix dinner and none of it fulfills me the way that my career did.

So, by the end of the week I'm depressed and moody and bitchy. I popped off at Jeff yesterday at lunch for no reason. I burst into tears when he had to leave to go back to work- I just couldn't face another day of what has begun to feel like Groundhog Day to me. I just wanted to run away.

Jeff and I went out to dinner last night and talked a lot of stuff out. He really does understand how I feel, that I don't begrudge him this fabulous job, that I don't NOT want to be at home, it's just that my brain is getting stagnant. I miss thinking and having it matter. And then he reminded me of something that I told him several months ago. He was depressed at still working at Target and feeling like things were never going to change. He didn't want to do it anymore but knew that he didn't have a choice, and he said to me "I know that things happen the way that they're meant to, but honest to God, sometimes I don't think I can keep fighting anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so ready for this challenge to be over- I just want to get on with my life..."

And so last night he threw my own words back at me. He told me that sometimes we have to learn to keep fighting but to stop struggling. We have to do everything that we can think of to help ourselves, but let go enough to not be impacted by the day to day.

I know that I was right when I told him that, and this unbelievably perfect job that he now has is proof of it. But I just have NO IDEA how to do it myself.

Somehow I have to figure it out.

Busy Week

2008-04-30T15:25:00.002-05:00

Well, as so often happens, the best laid plans never quite work out the way I think they're going to.

I had every intention of working on and finishing the chest last week. Really, I did! But when I arrived and got ready to start working I discovered that the landscaping company was also there doing their thing. There was just too much floating around in the air for me to even consider staining.

Still, we home schooled, enjoyed seeing Jeff and lunch, and basically just relaxed.

Jeff got his first paycheck with his new job on Friday (which for one week was about what he used to make all month in his last job) so we decided to go out and celebrate. We went to our favorite steak place to eat and then, like the old people that we are, went to Walmart.

Saturday was the local arts festival and so we all got up bright and early and went to see what there was. We have a long tradition of volunteering and so were signed up to help out. When we got there however, we discovered that we weren't needed (can ya believe it?) and just walked around and goofed off instead.

I got a couple of great pictures of some of the dancers that came out to the festival. These two were thrilled that I wanted their pictures. Apparently, they travel from South Africa and tour all over the United States educating American kids about their culture. It was really cool!

After my mother came and picked Michael up (Jeff and I had a date night) we went out to eat at a Mexican place that we love. Unfortunately, maybe due to the humidity or the crowds I developed a migraine half way through the meal. I did my best to hide it but honestly, all I could think was "please don't let me throw up".

I don't get migraines very often, but when I do, I have to sleep to get rid of them. Jeff took me back to the apartment where I promptly crashed for about a half hour. I woke up drained, but not in pain.

Despite the migraine we had a really nice weekend. It's really a treat to be able to do things together as a family. It always seems like the week pulls us in so many different directions that we rarely get to spend any quality time together.

Anyway, I've spent the week so far cleaning the apartment from top to bottom, steam cleaning the carpets, cleaning out my car, and getting ready for the weekend. I really want to get the chest done before it gets to be too hot.

Maybe tomorrow. LOL!

Projects, projects, projects!!

2008-04-23T10:53:00.004-05:00

So I'm almost finished staining a chest that I started like oh... last OCTOBER!

Seriously, it's pathetic how long this project has drug out! In my defense though, about a week after I started it the weather turned freakishly rainy. Then when the weather cleared up I got sick. Like for two months. I never get sick so it was really really weird. It was like I had a combination flu, ear infection, sinus thing going on and I couldn't shake it. I didn't start feeling better until around Jeff's birthday the second week of December. And then well, there was Christmas and New Years and then the cold weather hit and... you get the idea.

So... fully into spring time, not quite too hot outside, past allergies, I figured that it was time to finish it. There was just one problem. I changed my mind about the color. See, originally we got it to put in Michael's room to serve as a toy chest. He has a Captains bed made of Colombian Pine (a very light, soft wood) that we bought for him a couple of years ago. This last Christmas I was helping him clean out his room and sort through his stuff and noticed that he hasn't been taking very good care of his bed. Some of the knobs are missing off the drawers, there are scratches and dings in the wood, food and liquid has been spilled on the headboard (interesting as he's never allowed to take food and drinks out of the kitchen)... in short, it was a mess!

As a result, he's not getting the chest until he's older. I had started staining the chest a light color to match his bedroom furniture, but now I'm wanting it to be a darker, warmer wood to match the living room furniture. Did you know that when you stain over a stain it pulls the original stain up? Me neither. But it does. *sigh*

So now I have an almost tiger striped chest. I have to put the last coat on it today and then seal it. It's not what I ever would've intended to do to it, but it looks kind of neat. Jeff squinted at it (like i did) trying to figure out what he thought. After a couple of hours of walking by it and looking at it, he decided, like I did, that it actually looks like it was intentionally stained that way.

So... what a mess! But still, I wanted to get this project done so I could pull out my quilting frames and stands and finish a king size comforter that I started a couple of years ago but never had the space to do until now.

And then, I promise to finish the cloth bags that Anne so generously sent me the pattern for. I've actually got three cut out and pinned, I just got stuck on the handles (the directions were confusing) and then I got distracted, and well... you know how it goes.

Okay, off to home school and stain! Wish me luck!

A Rant

2008-04-21T20:24:00.002-05:00

What a difference a week makes! I guess I was just in shock or something last week when Jeff returned to work. Today was a lot easier and a lot more normal. Thank goodness!

Things are getting really scary around here though, our gas prices are up to $3.59 for regular, eggs are nearing $3.00 and milk? Milk is almost $5.00!! Every time gas prices increase, my wage effectively decreases. People don't order out as much, they don't tip as much, and the $1.35 I get per delivery just barely covers the cost of the miles I drive. Not including wear and tear on my car. I don't even want to think about my poor car!

I don't know that I've ever said this before and really meant it, but I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen if I don't find a job. I'm scared of rising food prices, astronomical gas prices, and unbelievable living expenses. I feel kind of cheated, as silly as that sounds. I worked my way through college as a single parent with no support. I worked my way though graduate school while balancing two very responsible full time jobs. I took care of my family, my parents, my brother, my son. And it was hard. Very very hard. I did it because it's what you do: you take care of those you love. It was a labor of love, if you will. I didn't mind and I don't regret it. But the entire time I secretly thought to myself that eventually, when everyone else was taken care of, it would finally be my turn.

And now I'm delivering pizzas with a Masters degree, unable to marry the man I love because I can't find a job.

I don't know who will win the next election, but I hope to hell they're a heckuva lot smarter than I am. Because I just don't want to think about what will happen if they're not.

Weekend Fun

2008-04-21T08:50:00.008-05:00

We had a really nice weekend, busy, but nice.

Saturday morning saw Michael headed out the door with his Boy Scout troop to throw mulch down to earn money to pay for Scout camp this Summer. He finished just in enough time to have lunch with the boys before having to jump in the car and head out for a Youth Volunteer Corps activity. This time the activity was with the Search and Rescue Squad helping to train the dogs. Needless to say, he was thrilled! I think his favorite was Toby, a huge beast of an animal with the sweetest temperament I've ever seen.

When the activity was over Jeff and I dropped him off at my mother's house just in time to have her take him over to a friend's house. She had a meeting to go to and thought that he'd have more fun hanging out with friends than going with her. As a result, Jeff and I had a rare opportunity to spend time together alone. There is a new outdoor, upscale shopping center that is nearby so we drove over there and just walked around. Neither of us were overly impressed with the inflated prices and snooty salespeople, but it was fun anyway. When we got tired of that we just drove around looking for houses for sale. His parents are thinking about moving here sometime in the next year so we're trying to get a feel for location and prices.

The rest of the night was spent running to Walmart, talking via web-cam to his parents, and chilling out on the couch. It was a real treat!

After church on Sunday we decided to drive to the State Park that is located on the top of the mountain where Jeff's apartment is. We're kind of scouting out locations to hold the reception and thought that we'd take a look at the lodge. It's really about average in price ($1500 for 8 hours and the entire Lodge would be ours), but it's still more money than I wanted to spend. I'll have to think about it. Still, the view was breathtaking and it had an indoor/outdoor option that I really like. We've got time, I'd like to go back and see the inside when they're open.

Anyway, we walked around the park, played at the playground, and then went back to the apartment for dinner and a movie. It was almost a perfect day.

I feel better this Monday than I did the last one. I think having a chance to settle into the idea that he's not always going to be around was just harder than I anticipated. I'm back to looking for a job and trying to trust that things tend to happen the way that they're supposed to.

I'm still losing weight, it's been really slow, but at least it's happening. I tend to eat less when the weather warms up so that helps. Michael has been suffering from some pretty wicked allergies so that's been putting a damper on our 5k training. I'm hoping that now that he's taking the 24 hour Claritin that he'll start to feel better soon. We need to get moving!

Goals for the day:

water water water!
10k steps minimum!
lotsa green veggies... I've been bad about that lately

Week One: Down

2008-04-18T20:51:00.002-05:00

Well, I made it through the week. Honestly, I've wondered more than once if I'm not hormonal... even though I shouldn't be.

Michael and I drove over to the apartment everyday to meet Jeff for lunch, time that I think we all needed, and time that helped me to adjust to not being able to talk to him anytime I wanted to. Throughout the course of the week, and as the result of a lot of introspection, I've realized a few things about the crappy way I've been feeling.

In the year and a half that Jeff has been back down here we've been able to talk basically as often and for as long as we've wanted to. We had to wait for so freakin' long to be together again (we lived in separate states, and at times countries, for three years) that the ability to actually look at each other became a novelty that hasn't worn off. I don't think it's going to. I think that when you have to fight as long and as hard as we did to be together, you're never able to take it for granted. Does that make sense?

Anyway, while we were both attempting to find employment we accepted menial jobs. Jobs so far below our educational and professional training that it would be laughable were it not so pathetic. In the ten months that we've had these jobs, we've been able to prop each other up, assist the other in our job search, talk and bitch and whine to the other about how hard working in those places for those wages are. When Jeff suddenly left that world and returned to a more normal existence, it left me behind in a way. Don't get me wrong, this job is amazing, neither of us is capable of creating a more perfect situation than the one he currently has. His salary is amazing, his potential for growth is incredible, his opportunity to make real and lasting changes that will make a real difference is unbelievable. I am so happy for him, for us, and for what this job means for all of us.

That being said, the selfish part of me is insanely jealous of this job. I miss having responsibility and a career that I can be proud of. Watching Jeff drive away to work, knowing that my day will consist of laundry, homeschooling (which I love), and pizza delivery was almost more than I could handle. It felt so isolating. Add to that the fact that because of the preliminary meetings (before he was hired), his normal cell minute package wasn't enough. It always had been up to that point, but this time, a week before the new month starts, he ran out of minutes. Because they charge an additional .40 cents for every minute over the amount he was allotted, we agreed to not use the phone unless it was an emergency.

So... lets recap: We can't talk as he's driving to work in the morning (which we've always done), we can't talk on his breaks or as he's driving home, we can't talk as I'm getting off work, all of a sudden we had to go from constant communication to NO communication. And it happened at the same time he started a new job and I felt left behind.

It's pathetic, and I know I'm whining. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I need to return to work so I have something else to think about, something else to focus on. We're ending the homeschool year pretty quickly and I think that this would be a great time for me to begin a new job.

He and I talked about it last night and I feel better about it today. Though it probably sounds like it, this isn't a co-dependency issue. I can function fine without him, and he without me. We had to for years. It's because we've had to that having to, even a little bit is really hard. He's my partner and my best friend. Somehow, I won the lottery. I think not wanting to share is understandable. He feels the same way, so much so that he made sure that Messenger was installed on his work computer. He can't get on very often, but as of Wednesday he's able to jump on for five minutes or so at a time and say hello. Apparently, this lack of communication was just as bad for him.

Anyway, we need to get married and get it over with. Living in separate houses, jumping back and forth between lives is just getting to be too hard. Never mind the gas prices! I'm hoping for a spring wedding. I'd be happy with this fall, but there just won't be time.

Anyway, everything is working out the way it needs to. I just need to trust that and be patient.

I Need to Get a Life!

2008-04-15T10:50:00.003-05:00

I really am pathetic! I can't believe how much of a difference there is in my day now that Jeff is working normal hours. I'm disgusting myself! Really. I need to move on and get used to this new schedule. I think I've just gotten spoiled always having him within arms reach. I need to go back to work. I need a life. Ugh!

Anyway, yesterday wasn't too bad. I think I managed about 5.3 miles from noon until bedtime, and I drank a couple bottles of water in addition to my normal two Diet Pepsi's. Baby steps. I think I can see progress, today was the first morning in a long time that I walked past the mirror and didn't instantly wonder who was in the room with me!

I'm getting ready to head out and take Michael for another run. I think his allergies are getting to him today, poor kid. I also return to work today (such as it is) so we'll see how it goes. I've not missed the smell of pizza in my car. It's amazing how much easier dieting is when you're not faced with that every day!

Goals for today:

three bottles of water
stay OP
at least 6 miles on the pedometer
I will NOT strangle my boss or any of the kids I work with (this is a big one people)
I will finish the laundry so our sheets do not independently decide to run away (ugh)!

A Good Day

2008-04-14T22:51:00.002-05:00

Jeff's first day at work was great- he has his work cut out for him, but then I think that's a good thing. This is a wonderful opportunity for him and I couldn't be prouder. It is going to be an adjustment to have him be out of pocket for most of the day. He and I talk all the time, probably more than is normal for most couples. To give you some idea, we once had a conversation that lasted 18 hours! The only reason that we stopped talking was because I HAD to pick my son up from school.

Not much has changed since then. We still have to remind ourselves to shut up and go to sleep. I have a feeling that it will probably always be like that. I think that's a good thing. Anyway, I'll adjust. Even faster if I can actually find a job. Lord, but I miss working!

Don't get me wrong, I love staying home and homeschooling Michael. This time with him has been a real gift, and I know that these are memories that I will always cherish. Ideally, I could work part time in a professional capacity. If I could, it would be the best of both worlds. Unfortunately, I don't think that that situation is likely. I need to work, financially and for my own sanity. I didn't go to graduate school because I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I hope that doesn't sound horrible.

A Dogwood Winter

2008-04-14T14:30:00.002-05:00

Brrr! I can't believe how cold it is outside today! It was in the 80's on Friday and it's only in the low 40's today. The great thing about living here though is that we're expecting mid-seventies by Wednesday. Gotta love Spring in the South!

Jeff started his new job today, he called at lunch and sounded really stoked. I think he's in a little bit of shock though, he found out that he not just has the local corporate office, but also offices in Mississippi, Tennessee, and soon to be Georgia that fall under his direction. He said that there's a lot of work that needs to be done to get the building running as effectively as it could be, but that everyone seems to be ready for the necessary changes. Oh, and they have a bookcase in the men's room. Obviously, they don't take themselves too seriously!

Michael and I have just returned from a thirty minute wog (a combination of running and walking). And yeah, by running I mean something less than a graceful bounding down the track. Light on my feet, I am not. Oh well, every little bit gets me closer to where I want to be. I weighed in this morning and am .6 away from where I was when I was floored by allergies. I think most of the couple of pounds I put on was water weight. For some really weird reason, I seem to hold onto more water when I'm taking antihistamines. You'd think that it would be the opposite... anyway, back in the saddle again!

I'm still not getting enough water in, but I'm really going to try hard to focus on moving more this week. I forgot to put the pedometer on until around noon when we went for our walk, but I'm still going to try and hold myself to a reading of six miles by the end of the day. I think Jeff and I might take (another) walk when he gets back tonight.

So, goals for the rest of the day:

six miles on the pedometer by bedtime
water water water!!
better food choices. I can't count calories, it just doesn't work for me. I want to focus on making good food choices and incorporating more greens and veggies into my diet.

A Divorce

2008-04-12T13:19:00.003-05:00

This has definitely been an interesting week.

In the true Southern way of things, my former MIL has decided to leave her current husband (number four), and move five hours to our south to set up with a new man (who is going to be leaving wife number three), start a catering business with an old friend, and probably marry again. They are already talking about buying a house together. It's important to remember that they are each still married to someone else!

I'm hoping that she sticks around long enough to offer some sort of explanation to Michael, who will be losing the only grandfather that he has left. And he really will lose him, there's no blood relation between them, I can't see him sticking around. He's been married to my former MIL for sixteen years. I imagine that he'll find someone else too. I really worry that this is going to be hard for Michael, he really hasn't had any experience with divorce.

Bah! The whole thing just disgusts me. Whatever happened to marriage being a sacred institution? I'm not gonna get all religious and preachy, that's SO not me. But come on. This is going to be her fifth marriage!

Anyway, food has been really great this week, but exercise has been for shit. I don't know why I can't seem to get my butt in gear. I have this 5K coming up that Michael and I really need to get moving on, especially since I found out that the proceeds are going to the Fallen Officers Memorial fund. We've lost two officers in the last three years, one was a friend and an amazing person (I didn't know the other one). I NEED to do this!

Jeff starts his new job on Monday so I'm thinking that that will be a good time to get moving on running again. We've taken this past week and have stayed busy every day just enjoying the ability to spend time together. I don't regret it. We've had a blast!

I've bought a new pedometer (the other one stopped working well), and I'm setting a goal of at least 40 miles a week. I've been getting close to that anyway, but I think the new goal will get me moving more. Here's to hoping, anyway!

A Week Later

2008-04-06T17:33:00.003-05:00

I've been lax in posting this week, largely because I've been in bed all week with horrible allergies. We have absolutely gorgeous springs here, but it doesn't come without a price.

From Monday night when my eyes swelled shut, until yesterday afternoon when I could finally stop taking meds, I was totally out of commission. It was horrible! But... I did get some great pictures. This one was taken at the park we went to Monday night. That's Jeff walking down the stairs.

Jeff and I are getting ready to head out and celebrate his last day at Target. I surprised him with tickets to Stomp!... well, okay, surprised him might be a bit of an overstatement. I can't seem to keep him from figuring out anything! Still, we're looking forward to it, and I actually have Michael at his grandma's house until sometime tomorrow. I can't even begin to tell you how nice it will be to have a night off.

I'm freaking out more than a little about finding a better job, with rising gas prices, I just can't continue delivering pizzas. I'm barely breaking even anymore. But, tonight is not for that. Tonight is for laughter and fun and remembering what it means to just enjoy each others company without talk of jobs and money and stress.

Tomorrow is for job hunting, yard work, and race training.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

A Dream Come True

2008-03-31T14:50:00.004-05:00

He got the job! I can't even begin to say how excited I am about it!

He got everything that he asked for (salary, benefits, bonuses, etc), and then some.

The position is everything that we could've hoped, dreamed, and wished for. Thank you God!

I need a nap now. These allergies are kicking my tail!

More later

A Job?

2008-03-29T12:39:00.003-05:00

Friday morning I checked Jeff's email for him while we were talking on his lunch break. There was an email from the CEO of the company that he's been jumping through hoops for for the last six weeks. The email said:

"Hey I think we have beat you up enough .When can we sit and get this going. Monday morning would work for me".

That's it. We think that this means that he's been hired as the Operations Manager. We think. Who the heck sends out an email like this? The get this going comment sounds like he wants to hire Jeff. I mean, what else could he mean? But seriously? This is how you do it? Really?

So we're torn between elation and nerves. To have this dream yanked away at this stage of the game would be almost too cruel. This job, in the middle of a recession no less, would mean so much to us. So we wait. The meeting is scheduled for 9:30 Monday morning. Until then, we pray.

Spring Time Fun

2008-03-26T15:20:00.003-05:00

How is it fair that someone who loves spring and everything it entails also suffers from horrible seasonable allergies?

Well, whatever it is, this spring is kicking my tail. I was doing so well with walking and exercising until Easter. Easter came and brought with it lots of green pollen- enough to coat my car and have me screaming inside with a sinus headache.

Seriously, I've had a nasty sinus headache since Sunday. Ugh! I also have no energy. As in none. As in I can barely drag myself out of bed and it's everything I can do to stay out!

From past experience I know that it's better for me not to take anything and just suffer through it. If I do it lasts about ten days and then I'm fine. Taking allergy medicine only prolongs the time it takes me to acclimate to it.

But still, I think yesterday I managed a whopping 4500 steps all day. The day before wasn't much better. Easter? Easter was 3500. Don't even get me started!

I'm trying to increase my water intake in the hopes that it helps with the sinus problems. If I could just ditch this headache I think I could force myself to work outside a little bit. Unfortunately, all I can think about is a dark room and sleep.

In other news, Jeff had a very successful third interview with a company that has been stringing him along for the last six weeks. The job would be a dream come true for us, and if he does it well, will probably lead to a Regional VP of Operations position within a year to year and a half. We're anxiously awaiting word on the position... as in on pins and needles. Any extra prayers would be appreciated greatly! We both feel that he'll probably get word sometime this week on the decision. It would be such a blessing for us!

My cousin recently challenged all of us to set some new goals. She asked us to come up with five to ten things that we want to accomplish this year. Here are mine:

1. I will lose another ten or so pounds so my clothes fit the way that they're supposed to.
2. I will lose an additional twenty-five pounds to get back to my pre stop smoking weight.
3. I will successfully complete a local 5k run with Michael
4. I will finish Michael's home school year.
5. I will find a job
6. I will begin formally planning Jeff and my wedding

Easter Preparations

2008-03-21T10:40:00.002-05:00

It's always surprised me how small changes can add up to such big results.

I've spent the last several months wishing that I felt better, that I had more energy, that I could feel more like me again. I realized yesterday that while I have a ways to go, I'm on the way back to being comfortable again.

I am consistently moving more, being more aware of my food selections, and more aware of how fast this precious stolen time I have with my son will pass. I am looking for a position that will allow me to return to full time employment without the worry of getting shot at. It's the little things in life, isn't it? LOL

Anyway, I plan on finding someone to watch Michael during the day while I work. We will continue to home school online and look for field trips and other social opportunities for him to grow. I think we'll be alright.

Today we're headed outside to work in the yards. I want to get everything swept up, mowed, and trimmed before the holiday. If I get really ambitious we will probably hang some Easter Eggs from the trees in the front yard. Later, I want to make some Easter themed rice crispy treats for the kids when they come over this weekend.

It will be a good day. Lots of fun, lots of work, but most importantly to me, lots of opportunity to enjoy this with Michael.

Happy Spring!

2008-03-20T11:45:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was awesome. Michael and I even managed to grab a walk in the warm sunny 75 degree weather. By the end of the day I had logged over 12,000 steps and was feeling really great.

Until the weather tanked into the thirties and I developed a head cold.

Shoot. I hate that.

We're finishing up school right now, today is State Test Assessment Day. Once he finishes the last test, we'll breeze through Spelling, Latin, and a couple of math worksheets. I'm hoping that by then I'll be feeling a little stronger and we can go for a walk.

Happy Spring everyone!

Easter Egg Fun

2008-03-18T10:54:00.004-05:00

All in all, this past week was one of the best that I've had in a long time. I've been consistently hitting around 8000 steps a day and have been making a conscious effort to just move more. It's hard sometimes, being home with Michael homeschooling all day makes that unpredictable. Some days, he finishes his school work and we can head out, some days we're inside slugging away at it all day.

Another thing that I think has made it easier is the sunny warm weather that we've had. I was able to take Wednesday and Thursday and work outside in the yards... all day. It was great, but I told Jeff the following morning that I felt like I had been beat up in my sleep! I could barely move! It was awful, but it brought home to me how stagnant I've been this past year. I never used to have that problem. I'm happy to say that it only lasted a day and that it just made me want to do more.

I've been trying to come up with a valid reason for being such a slug over the last year. I think I have a few:

I yanked Michael out of school and began our homeschooling journey. This completely changed my schedule and required most of my "me" time to be donated to the home school cause.
I am no longer working in a law enforcement capacity. This means no more running after people, no more being chased, no more required fitness levels.
Jeff finally made it back after over three years of being gone. We had waited so long to be together again that I think it took us a year to resume what would be considered a normal schedule.

So anyway, those are just excuses. I'm 32 years old and have noticed that what I've always heard about getting older is true. I hit 30 and my metabolism crashed, all of a sudden my body was unfamiliar to me. I couldn't count on gaining or losing the way that I always had. It's weird really. I used to be able to drop five or ten pounds without even thinking about it. NOW? HA!! I actually have to work at it. I'm trying to look at this new found required discipline as a good thing.

So anyway, Jeff, Michael, and I had a blast yesterday. We went to a parade, toured a really old church, went fabric shopping (fun for me), grilled out, and colored Easter Eggs. It was a great day.

Okay, time to get class started. Here are the goals for today:

Walk/Jog 30 minutes with Michael
Good food choices
A positive home school day
Progress on a few sewing projects I have going right now (thanks Anne!)

And now some picture fun from yesterday.

A New Week

2008-03-10T11:55:00.003-05:00

It's interesting to me that in just the last week of trying to be more health conscious- walking more, drinking more water, trying to eat better, I can see a noticeable difference in my energy levels and how my body feels overall.

Yesterday kicked my tail. Period. A simple errand to Jeff's apartment to measure windows and then to Walmart to pick up some fabric turned into, and I'm not making this up, five trips to the apartment, three trips to three different Walmart's, two trips to Hancock Fabric, one trip to Lowe's, one trip to Taco Bell (because really, by this time I was about to pass out from hunger), and five separate trips back to my house.

And I STILL have to go to Walmart again today!

(insert silent screaming!)

Still, after all that I managed to log over 13,000 steps yesterday. HA! I guess all the stress was good for something. Man I was exhausted and pissy by the time I finally crashed into bed at 2:30 this morning.

Goals for today:

8 glasses of water
salad for lunch (always a struggle to get it in)
10,000 steps
30 minute walk
nothing to eat after 9 pm (because this is the grazing hour for me, apparently)

Catching up...

2008-03-08T13:15:00.002-06:00

Thursday was a great day. I managed to log over 11,000 steps, get in most of my water, and make smart food choices. Until I went to work. Ugh. If I'm ever gonna make progress on getting healthier I'm going to have to find another job. It's just hat simple. On a high note, Michael and I enjoyed a wonderful walk in the sun and also were able to renew our pool membership.

Friday I woke up feeling really sick. I really didn't accomplish much at all besides laying around and getting Michael's school work finished. I logged close to 5000 steps by the end of the day and over all had a pretty healthy day.

It's cold and windy outside today so I doubt that there will be any formal exercise going on. I'm shooting for 5000 steps, getting my water in, and making smart food choices. Michael leaves this evening with his paternal grandmother to go and see one of his cousins compete in a gymnastics competition an hour and a half away. He'll be gone overnight and will return tomorrow afternoon. I'm nervous about letting him go, but really have no good reason to keep him from it. Besides, he's really looking forward to it.

I love Spring

2008-03-06T11:03:00.002-06:00

Even if it's not exactly warm outside right now, you can already see the trees starting to bud, the daffodils are up, and there's even a tulip tree up the street trying to bloom. Weather like this has me fantasizing about being out doors walking, running, gardening, whatever. It just feels so good to me to be able to move around a bit more.

Yesterday went pretty well, well, right up until the end that is. I had my dreaded appointment at the Health Department, always fun, and my Depo Provera shot. I asked the nurse about my weight gain (17 lbs since last January) and she said that is was normal, and that the shot actually causes you to feel hungry even when you're not. Great. So in addition to trying to break the oral addiction that I have to smoking (three years last month!), I'm now getting a shot to make it even harder! UGH!

This just makes me want to work all the harder to get this weight off. None of my summer clothes will fit right now and that's just totally unacceptable.

I tanked on the diet thing when I got off from work last night. My hormones were running at full steam (thanks to the shot), and I just didn't feel very good. Still, I managed to get in 6000 steps yesterday, despite the almost three hours I spent sitting at the health department. I also got in most of my water.

Goals for today:

Get membership at local pool
Go for a thirty minute walk with Michael
8 glasses of water
Smart food choices
Make-up what we didn't finish yesterday in home school. Finish today's work.
Laundry... again!

Not Too Bad

2008-03-04T23:04:00.004-06:00

Today was an alright day. I woke up feeling tired and had a hard time getting in gear. It was almost one before Lan and I sat down to do home school but we managed. All in all I was very active despite the late start and even managed to get the house cleaned, the laundry done, dinner fixed, and the dishes washed before I had to leave for um... work. *sigh*

I forgot to put the pedometer on, but by tonight's shower I had walked over 6000 steps. I got my water in, and stayed pretty much on plan.

Jeff's second interview went really well, they've asked for additional examples of work and have requested another two interviews for next Tuesday. We are keeping our fingers crossed!!

I have my check up tomorrow for my birth control. Because I don't have insurance right now that lovely appointment will be kept at our local Health Department. While I am very grateful for the services that they provide, I really really hate that place! Ugh. NO FUN!

Goals for tomorrow:

8 glasses of water
5000 steps
Some home school... whatever there is time for

Sunny Weather

2008-03-03T21:27:00.003-06:00

I gave up on the idea of school today so that Michael and I could enjoy the 75 degree weather we were graced with. It was awesome!

I cleaned and vacuumed out the car (because as Jeff put it, it was beginning to smell like a Chinese restaurant), and then took Michael up to meet Jeff on the mountain. We spent an hour walking on the trails and enjoying the pretty day. For dinner we went to the food court at the mall and hung out.

All in all it was nice. I tried to get my water in, I brought prepared water with me on the hike but forgot to account for the smaller bottle size. It tasted nasty! I've cut back on the Diet Pepsi consumption, so that's something. I think I managed to stay OP today... just barely. YAY me!

It feels good to move.

Goals for tomorrow:

laundry... all of it
glasses of water
1 hour of exercise
a positive home school day

Things I accomplished today

2008-03-02T18:18:00.000-06:00

I spent an hour weeding out Jeff's back patio bed. There are now pretty daffodils in bloom and the sight of them makes me happy. I'm also pretty sure that it could be considered exercise, leaning over my gut (and I can tell you how much it hurts to admit that??) and bending and stooping brought home to me how out of shape I really am.

I fixed dinner and then went on a forty minute walk with Lan and mom. THAT really was exercise! I used to walk four miles every night and not think a thing about it. I'm really far away from that right now, but when I got done tonight I felt like all of my joints had been oiled. If that makes any sense!

I bought a pedometer. I think I want to strive for this first week to walk at least 5,000 steps a day. I know the recommended amount is 10,000 but since I have no idea what I normally do I think 50% is a good starting point.

Goals for tomorrow:

Drink 8 glasses of water
Walk 5,000 steps
Have a positive home school day

That's all for now. Have a great night!

A Decision

2008-03-01T15:41:00.001-06:00

So I've decided that I need to get off my fat butt and lose twenty pounds or so.

I'm miserable right now, nothing in my closet fits right, I feel sluggish, big, and slow. None of those are happy feelings.

The weather is starting to warm finally and I think that that more than anything else will help me. I will do this.

Period.

That's all.

You may go now.

How about an update?

2008-02-28T13:36:00.001-06:00

So... lots of changes around these parts since the last time I blogged.

First, Agent C, also known as Jeff, has relocated here. We are planning on getting married sometime in the next year. Hopefully. Please God. Things keep happening and it keeps getting pushed back.

Once he got down here it took all of about five minutes for us to adjust to each other and become a family. The Brain, also known as Michael, loves him. They are inseparable. I can't tell you what it does for my heart to see them so happy together. It hasn't happened without a few growing pains, but it wasn't nearly as hard as it should have been.

Another big change happened last spring. Jeff convinced me that seeing as how we were spending on average of about five hours a night on homework with Michael, that I was in fact already homeschooling him. It was a scary decision and one that I made with a lot of thought and prayer, but it has turned out to be the best thing that I could've done for him.

As for me, well... did I mention that I deliver pizzas now at night part time? I accepted a position with a larger agency than the one I was working with, with the intention of taking a couple of months off for the summer before starting the new job. The new job was supposed to start in September of 2006. I left my old job that June and happily enjoyed a couple of months vacationing with the family (before Jeff got down here in January 2007). September came and went with the promise of a December start. Enter cutbacks in funding and the reallocation of resources and I was still hearing the promise of a start last August (2007).

An interesting thing happened though. I've realized in all of these months of waiting that I really don't want to do the job that they hired me to do. It would involve me placing myself in the close proximity of explosive devices on a regular basis and requires that I know how to disarm them. Um, yeah, have you met me? No, well I'm the girl that trips over her own feet on a regular basis.

I miss working in my field, so much that it hurts sometimes. I didn't go to graduate school to deliver pizzas and work with college students. But this has given me the unique insight into stay at home parenting, and I have to say, it's amazing to me how much better Michael is doing. Gone are the moody, angry, accusatory stares, the entitlement issues, the behavioral problems. He is learning Latin, is involved with the Youth Volunteer Corps, takes pottery once a week, and is active with his scout group. He has a full and happy life. I wouldn't have been able to give him anything remotely like that were I still working in my old position.

Anyway, big changes. I am actively looking for work on the state or local level, though to be honest, there are a lot of people looking right now. When I do return to working full time I hope to find an elderly person or another stay at home mom to watch Michael during the day. Most of his homeschooling is done online right now so that can be done anywhere.

We are running on a lot of faith, hope, and optimism right now that everything will work itself out. As hard as it is financially, I very firmly believe that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now. That my job as a mother trumps my professional career, and that in the end, things will work out the way that they were meant to all along.

Here's to hoping, anyway!

I'm back?

2008-02-27T14:13:00.003-06:00

So it seems that Blogger has opened its gargantuan yaw and spat this old blog back out. What's even more surprising is that I seem to have visitors.

Really? After a year and a half?

Wow.

Maybe I should start blogging here again. I've missed my old digs.

More to come later. I have a lot of catching up to do.

But for now, yay! I'm back!

Remembering to be Grateful

2006-08-23T16:55:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I spent a couple of hours putting together a slide show for my Myspace page. It was easier than I thought it was going to be but it turned up some unexpected results.

I’ve always known that family was a huge part of who I am. My family has always been solid, the rock that I could crash against whenever I needed to. We’ve been called Dysfunctional-Normal by a well meaning friend and awesome by another. We are loud, at times obnoxious, often silly, and rarely subtle in our love for each other. We are seldom quiet about the things that we're feeling, but then I guess that's the way it should be.

Agent C and I stayed up late talking the night before. While a host of odd topics came up during the conversation, one in particular stuck with me. We talked about families and what we wanted for ourselves someday.

I told him that my mom made every holiday count at our house. Valentines Day saw red and pink hearts everywhere, Halloween meant that an old cardboard skeleton lovingly dubbed Herman hung on the front door and bats hung from the windows. Christmas? Six huge boxes of decorations came from the garage; the contents dispersed throughout the house until it looked like Christmas threw up and Santa moved in.

I told him that in my own way I’m trying to pass those traditions along to my son. That I believe that traditions are the glue that binds families together and so in that spirit every year before Halloween I take my son to the Farmer's Market. We pick out the coolest pumpkins that we can find and then take them back to the house and carve them. The results are horrific to anyone that has any artistic ability at all (we don't) but we get dirty and we laugh and we are ridiculously proud of our results, a picture is always taken to mark the event. I told him about how we hang spider webbing all over the outside of the house and that that is usually the only time that The Brain ever gets to hear his mama cuss.

I told him about how every New Year's Eve I take The Brain out to dinner at a restaurant of his choice. Over dinner we talk about the last year and what our favorite memories are from it. We talk about the things that we want to do the next year... the sillier the better. I want to go snowboarding... no, I know! Let’s dig a HUGE swimming pool in the backyard! No, wait! I got it! Let’s figure out a way to make it snow… INSIDE! That’d be soooo cool!

I was thinking about the stories that we shared as I was building my slide show and the beauty of it all just hit me. When was the last time that I remembered to be grateful for what I have? How long has it been since I stopped and really focused on the beauty that surrounds me everyday? How long has it been since I stopped focusing on what I’ve lost and instead gave thanks for what I have?

Too long I think.

Worth a watch or two

2006-08-19T20:50:00.000-05:00

Letting Go

A very good friend of mine has recently completed an absolutely fantastic short film. Please have a look and join me in congratulating him in a job well done.

Lesson's learned

2006-08-18T14:31:00.000-05:00

I had intended on posting something on the one year anniversary of my father's passing. As it turned out I just didn't know what to say.

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about the things that I've learned over the last couple of years, things about myself and life in general. I am amazed at how much has changed, how much I have changed.

I look back at my life two years ago and I see something and someone that is almost unrecognizable to me now. The woman I was then was harsher, rougher around the edges, maybe less likely to give you the benefit of the doubt. She was stubborn and never asked anyone for help. Back then I was working with the local police department, in my last semester of graduate school, and had only been on the job (my full time one) as an investigator for a couple of months. To say that I was stressed would be laughable. Daddy had decided about that time that he didn't want to try dialysis and we fully anticipated that he would die before the holidays arrived. I was asked by my mother to start writing his eulogy so we wouldn't have that to worry about when the time came. I was smoking about a pack and a half a day and only sleeping about two hours a night on average. I had no patience and no time... I was in a war fighting for my life and the survival of my family.

One year ago I had graduated from school, had settled into my job, left work at the police department, and was reeling from the death of the greatest man I have ever known. I think at the time I was shocked. Why you ask? Granted, I had thirteen years to prepare for his passing, thirteen years of close calls and worrying. But that's the point. I had thirteen years! In all that time he continued to beat the odds, he never gave up and never stopped fighting. I think somewhere in my mind I really believed that he couldn't die. That we wouldn't lose this battle, he was too strong, too noble, too... huge. It just couldn't happen. And then it did and everything I knew about who I was changed. I was no longer a care provider or a nurse, I was a woman that had lost her dad. Close to half of my life had been spent dealing with his care, with him gone I had to figure out how to live. What was our new normal going to be? How could I live without that constant worry and fear? The guilt that comes from feeling like no matter what you do it's never going to be enough, the pressure of always making every Birthday, holiday, family dinner, anniversary... every everything the very best it can possibly be because it will probably be the last one you'll ever celebrate as a whole family. A year ago I was a shell and I didn't know what was meant to go inside of that shell. All I knew is that I had to fake it because I had a little boy who needed me to make things alright. Somehow.

And now. I look at my life now and I am struck by the sheer awesomeness of it all. I have in one year seen the very worst and the very best that life has to offer. Horrible, crushing grief coupled just a short time later with unimaginable beauty and joy. Yin and Yang all in the span of a year. Amazing.

I still get sad sometimes... I doubt there will ever be a day that I don't miss him and grieve for his loss, but I can do it with perspective now. While I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, I am grateful for the things that I have learned from it. I am a survivor. Period.

I met up with a friend this past week, I hadn't seen him in a while and I wanted to check and see how he was doing. His best friend committed suicide about a month ago and he's still trying to come to terms with her loss. I stood there wanting more than anything to say the magic words that would lessen his pain or make it a little more manageable. Something that would be comforting and give him peace. As we stood talking I thought back to how I felt a year ago, the things that helped me. In the end I realized that the best thing that I could do as his friend was to let him talk, or rage, or cry, or yell, or laugh... whatever he felt like doing, and just keep my mouth shut as much as possible. Hugs are free and I have two shoulders for a reason, and sometimes being a friend means just standing there in silence and being there.

I wanted to tell him that it hurts because getting stronger always does. That there would come a day when she wasn't the first thing he thought about when he woke up, and that that would be the day that he felt the worst. That eventually he would be able to think back on the time that he had with his friend and smile at those memories, that he would be able to do that without the crushing pain of loss. That it would probably never make sense to him but that eventually he would be able to forgive and make peace with himself, his God, and his friend. That while it will always hurt, it won't always hurt like this. That he is stronger than he feels right now and that he will be able to take the lessons that he learned from this horrible experience and be able to offer his shoulder to another friend someday. That doing that will bring back those feelings of grief and loss but in a bittersweet way. That it will come full circle and that if he keeps his heart open he will learn joy.

I have learned a lot about myself and life this past year. Growing is hard, it's scary, and it's often not pretty. Life is a gift and every day is another chance to get it right. Of all the lessons I've learned that is the one that I am the most thankful for.

Overheard during The Brain's prayers last night...

2006-08-08T13:43:00.000-05:00

"... and please help me to not smack the funny lookin' kid with big ears in my class... the one that sits next to me, I really don't think he knows how stupid he is. Some people are just like that and I don't want to get into trouble so I can't shoot my rockets off this weekend cause that would really suck!"

*sigh*

Well, it's good to know that he has his priorities straight at least!

(And am I the only one wondering if there are in fact two funny looking children with big ears in his class?)

I probably should've addressed the fact that it isn't nice to describe people that way as well as the fact that we don't use the word 'suck' in our house... and I would've had I not been so busy stifling hysterical laughter at the time!

Gotta love kids!

Raising Men

2006-08-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

Meet my son.

When I found out I was going to have a son my whole life turned upside down. I was twenty years old and newly married, I wasn't even old enough to purchase alcohol but there I was contemplating what it meant to raise a son. I was scared to death! After all, what did I know about being a man? How could I possibly take this untrained, wild little boy that wasn't even housebroken yet and mold him into the man that I knew he needed to become?

Over the last ten years I've made some mistakes... Okay, a lot of them, but that's part of the process. The thing of it is, until I read the Queen's post today I hadn't really stopped to think about the importance of what I was doing. So once again, I thank her. For making me think. Go read her and then come back. I'll wait.

I have no daughter to raise, I have a son. But I am raising him to be the kind of man that you would want your daughter to marry, and hopefully in doing so, in some small way will change the world.

Let me tell you about him:

He respects women... hell, he doesn't have a choice... he's surrounded! He has been raised to understand that while men and women often have different strengths we are equally intelligent and should be valued equally.

He understands that putting the toilet seat down and holding the door open for the person behind you is just good manners... not a sign of inequality.

He is learning that sometimes the last thing you want to do is the first thing that you should do and that having integrity and honor means all of that and sometimes doing it when no one is looking. He is learning to work hard when alone as well as by my side. That women are strong, beautiful, and capable, and that those qualities should be celebrated in whatever form they happen to take.

He is learning to value all people, regardless of their economic status, religious beliefs, backgrounds, physical stature, or anything else.

He is learning that there is nothing wrong with crying when you're sad or angry and that it takes a strong person to be able to show weakness.

He is learning to treat women as ladies... even when they don't act like it. That there will always be women who will be willing to compromise their own and his integrity for a few cheap thrills or the notoriety that comes with them. But that the cost of those thrills is too high and the consequences too lasting to fathom.

He is learning to look at every woman as someone's mother, sister, daughter, friend, and that sometimes being a man means defending those weaker than yourself... Regardless of gender.

He is learning to stand up for what he believes in and not back away from a fight... No matter how scared he is inside. He is learning that sometimes the most important thing is not whether you win or lose but that you pick yourself up and keep trying.

He is learning that there is strength in walking away and in admitting that he was wrong.

He is learning that the way he feels about himself is a lot more important than the way he believes other people feel about him.

He is learning what it takes to be a man, one day at a time. One year at a time.

Maybe someday, if enough mother's and father's actively get involved and demand a higher standard for their children, videos and men like the Queen was griping about will be a thing of the past.

We can only hope.

A Realization...

2006-08-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

One year ago today Agent C called me for the first time and the nature of our relationship changed forever. He called me because my father had passed away on August 1st and he thought I might want to talk. When he called we spent about five hours on the phone talking about everything but dad's death. We talked about our memories, our hopes, dreams, lives, everything and anything but how I felt right at that moment. It wasn't until I brought it up about ten minutes before we hung up that he mentioned anything about it at all.

I said "you haven't asked me how I'm doing... I think you're the first person to call me and not ask me that."

He replied "I don't need to ask. I can hear everything I need to know in your voice, and anything else I trust you to tell me when you're ready."

That meant so much to me.

Almost as much as the flowers that he sent to me last Tuesday on the one year mark of dad's passing. Simple, sweet, and understated the card read "I just wanted to you know that someone is thinking about you while you're thinking about everyone else. Give your mom and The Brain a hug from me."

Is it any wonder why I love him?

He's been out of cell range and away from his computer for the last five days. This is the longest that we've gone without communicating in over two years and it's killing me. He gets back tomorrow, thank God. I feel like someone cut off my arm and I just noticed it was missing. It's a strange feeling to realize that you've come to need someone so much and that you never realized it before. I've never really needed anyone before, not really, but I apparently need him.

Go figure.

My camera was acting up so I don't have any decent pictures of the flowers he sent... this was the best I could do... aren't they pretty?

A Dilemma

2006-08-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

I was helping my mom clean off the hutch in her kitchen today when we stumbled across some old cards from my wedding. Now, bear in mind that I got married almost eleven years ago... Imagine my surprise when I realized that one of these cards had never been opened!

We laughed about it until I opened it and discovered two twenty dollar bills! The gift was from an old friend of my mother's, someone that she has since lost contact with.

So now I have to find this woman and figure out a non-insulting way to thank her for a wedding gift that I never realized that she sent but that has lasted longer than the marriage did! Any suggestions?

Good grief!

First Day of School

2006-08-04T07:44:00.000-05:00

Ah... The much anticipated and highly dreaded first day of school! But fear not my friends! This isn't just any old first day, this is The Brain's first day of Fourth Grade!

So what words of wisdom did mom have for her spawn this morning? "Just try and make friends with the teacher, okay? No more of this junk where you prove that you're smarter than she is... teachers tend not to like that sort of thing."

And what was the Brain's response? "Well, they should make them smarter then, shouldn't they? Good grief ma, I'm only ten!"

Followed by "Hey, I really hope Garrett is in my class this year... He and I have been best friends for like, forever! We even got into trouble together last year. We figured out that if we got into trouble together that the teacher couldn't argue with both of us at the same time. It was SOOOOO cool!"

And there I sat trying to figure out which lecture I should deliver first... Should it be the one that deals with respect? How about the one that says that misbehaver and manipulation in school are not acceptable? Perhaps the one that reiterates the importance of trying your best in everything that you do... Or maybe even the one that gets into the fact that while people are of varying levels of intelligence and creativity, everyone has value, that everyone is equally important.

I think I settled on something insightful like "keep your mouth shut and your nose down and please try to make friends with the teacher, please?"

It should be an interesting year!

Summer's End

2006-07-28T20:39:00.000-05:00

Ah summer... Is there a better time to be alive when you're ten? If there is you'd have a hard time convincing The Brain of it!

One more week of freedom until school starts back. One more week until it's back to the grind of spelling tests, math homework, and reading assignments. I wish I could freeze time for just a little while...

He's growing up too fast!

Still Kickin'

2006-07-21T20:51:00.000-05:00

First off, I really didn't mean to go so long without posting. Many of you have sent me emails asking if everything was alright, I really do appreciate your concern and I apologize for not getting back to everyone sooner.

Yes, everything is fine here in the neighborhood. I've thoroughly enjoyed taking this last month off. The Brain and I have spent many days lounging around by the pool and many nights sitting around watching the fireflies and eating frozen yogurt. This last month has been a break that I think we really needed.

We traveled to the Land of Mormon's for a couple of weeks around the fourth and had the privilege of attending something called The Stadium of Fire in Provo. Thirty thousand people all waiving American flags... it was something to see! We visited with my mother's family and toured around the area seeing the sites. By the time we got home I was ready for a vacation from my vacation... isn't that always how it is?

As for me, things are chugging right along. It's looking like the job that I was offered won't be starting for quite some time as everyone seems to be floundering with budgeting issues. I'm looking for work and trying to plot out my next move. It's hard to know what to do sometimes but I think everything is working out the way that it's supposed to. That really is a nice feeling.

Agent C and I have been able to speak regularly on the phone and more often than not these days I find myself passing entire nights talking to him. I'm not sure how that happens and I'm not sure what happened to the girl that used to loath phone conversations, but I think for now I'll just accept this for what it so obviously is: a gift. Every time we speak I learn something new, he makes me think, he makes me laugh, he makes me happy. He should be arriving in the area within the next couple of months; I'm really excited that this is finally happening. I think he and I have both earned this chance, we've certainly worked hard enough for it. It's been a long, long road to get to this point, but it was worth it.

Anyway, job searching, marathon phone calls, lounging around pool side, vacations, and mapping out the rest of my life have kept me pretty busy. School starts back for The Brain in a couple of weeks so I'll be making a more regular return then. Until then I haven't been shot at in months and I couldn't be happier about that. Life is good!

I'll try and make the rounds to check in with everyone sometime soon. Until then, have a great summer!

Big Changes

2006-06-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

It has begun...

To say that this last week has brought change would be an understatement. The drama in my life has come to a complete and total stop, the abruptness of it leaving me gasping but strangely sated.

In the last week conversations with Agent C have changed. Words that used to scare the hell out of me but that now seem to have lost their venom have begun surfacing in our conversations. Words like marriage and love and children. Words that I never thought I could bring myself to consider again but that now seem necessary to me in some way.

He has started the ball rolling and will be moving here in August. He has decided that a career change is in order, and in what I consider to be a very brave move has decided to return to school and study law. He will begin law school in the Fall. He wants a job that can guarantee his making it home every night... it seems he feels that there's incentive for that now.

He's right. Yesterday was my last day at my job. I finally got to the point where the cost of The Job far outweighed any benefits of it. So today, for the first time in literally four and a half years I actually have a full day off. I'm terrified that I'm flying without a net in a job market that is far from friendly, but when I turned over my badge yesterday the only feelings tha I could muster were that of relief and joy. It's because of that that I know I made the right decision.

Like I said... big changes.

For the first time in so long that I can't even remember, I'm excited about the future. Excited to see what happens next... it's been a long time coming.

Another Day

2006-06-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

Good grief! I feel like I'm in the middle of my first crush. I've been walking around grinning like a damn idiot all day. Let me tell ya, that may sound cute but it's definitely an occupational hazard for me!

Sheesh!

Agent C called last night, he was able to get a line out for about an hour and a half. I swear, we talked about everything! Constitutional law, veterans affairs, love, trust, family, the war, our jobs (well, the parts that we could talk about anyway), you name it, we talked about it. It was the fastest and most enjoyable hour and a half I've ever spent on the phone with anyone. How does he do that? How is it possible that this man that's literally thousands of miles away can make me smile like a giddy school girl?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it's just so atypical for me, that's all.

And then low and behold, we were actually able to get online at the same time tonight and wound up talking through an IM program for four and a half hours! I had no idea so much time had passed! Crazy!

There must be a way to get both of us in the city to figure this thing out. There just must be. Or hell, at least the same country! I think fate has a cruel sense of humor sometimes.

Still though, I don't know where this is going to take me, but I'm trying to take the advise of a very wise woman (you know who you are) and just enjoy the ride and not over think things.

Yeah, easier said than done!

Drama

2006-05-30T15:59:00.000-05:00

So it would seem that my life has taken on an odd Springer like quality to it lately. I, the one person that has tried to stay away from drama is now knee deep in it.

It seems that TV guy is putting two and two together and now suspects that there may be more than meets the eye with Agent C and I. While I haven't told him about the closeness that Agent C and I share, I have made it clear that he and I have been communicating frequently for some time now. I figured that I owed him that much. The bigger part of me still feels that it really isn't any of his business who I see or how I feel. He and I are friends, but as Agent C so succinctly put it, "the minute he started sleeping with someone else he gave up all rights to you. He may have changed his mind about how he feels, but that doesn't obligate the rest of us to go along with that." I think he's right. I care about TV guy and I would never intentionally hurt him but that doesn't mean that he still has the right to dictate what I do or how I feel. Not that he ever really did anyway.

So, keep your eyes out when you’re watching Springer. It's heading in that direction. I just wish I knew what to do. I don't want to talk to TV guy about how I feel until Agent C and I have a chance to figure that out for ourselves, but I don't want to ruin what friendship they still maintain. Albeit a loose one.

Sigh. Drama.

Ugh!

Well... Shit!

2006-05-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

It has been an interesting week. It would take way to long to explain everything that has happened, and frankly it probably wouldn't be all that interesting to anyone but me, so I'll just summarize.

An emotional event occurred that threw Agent C and I into a place that caused us to evaluate what we are to each other. He and I haven't been able to see each other for about a year and a half though we have exchanged daily emails that are typically three to five pages in length. We talk on the phone about once every three months and I think the shortest conversation we've ever had was about five hours. He, more than anyone else in my life was there for me during that horrible year of dad's life. I honestly just don't know what I would've done without him.

I tell you all of this only to illustrate that while we have not had physical contact we have remained very, very close. I have known that he holds a special place in my heart, but to be honest, until this past week I had not allowed myself to consider that it could ever be more.

He is still working out of the country at the moment, and while he has expressed a willingness to request a transfer to wherever I wind up moving, because I haven't determined what is happening with my job we have both been up in the air. To be honest, because that, it up until now has been a situation that was more of a wait and see what happens than anything else. I haven't really thought too much about what would happen should we ever get to the same place at the same time.

Anyway, the events of this past week have forced me to face how I feel about him and what he means to me. He and I have talked about it and neither of us are particularity happy about how important we have become to each other, neither of us really want the complication of a relationship right now, and neither of us really know what to do about it. How pathetic is that? Our jobs makes having a relationship a complication, not a bonus. And while I know that our careers are not as important as our personal lives, they are important.

The thing of it is, I've realized that I care more about him than I have ever cared about anyone in my life. I can't imagine my life without him in it and I don't want to. I can't believe that I can feel so strongly for him without having been able to spend regular time with him. I believe that I may have fallen in love with him when I wasn't paying attention and I want to know how in the hell that's possible.

Is it possible? When we did see each other regularly we were both in relationship with other people. How important is it to have that kind of contact?

We have agreed that the most important thing right now is that we figure out how to at least get in the same country and then focus on the same city. From there we'll take it as it comes.

This is really freaking me out. I am not happy about this. At all.

Hurricane Awareness

2006-05-23T14:28:00.000-05:00

Hurricane season officially begins on June 1st. It's hard to believe that it's almost time to do it all over again! I have numerous friends that are still trying to rebuild from the last season.

One of those friends sent this to me last year, in classic gallows humor, as one of the many hurricanes that struck during the 2005 season was heading for her home. It made me laugh, I hope it does the same for you.

Important information about hurricane season:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Alabama/Florida.

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll bet hit by "the big one". Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

Step 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Step 2. Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Alabama/Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built; and
2. It is located in Ohio.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Alabama or Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house, is in business. At any moment, this company may drop you like used dental floss.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Alabama" or "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Alabama and Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some.
A 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane-----after the hurricane, there WILL BE irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember....it's great living in Paradise.

Always Remember

2006-05-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

It's been more of the same in the neighborhood lately. Summer has arrived and with it brought flowers, family, and memories. Some good, some bittersweet. It's hard to believe that we lost dad 9 months ago, it's even harder to believe that in a lot of ways the pain of that loss is stronger now than it was right after his death. I guess it's because it takes a while to sink in that it really is over. I am so grateful for the love and support of my friends, many are in tune enough to realize that while I rarely bring it up it still hurts. I still wake up thinking about him, I still wonder at the strength and the courage that he displayed in the final years of his life. I am healing, but it takes time.

While I appreciate the prayers and well wishes from everyone, I know that right now there are at least two other families that need them much more than I. They are still living their hell, one still hoping for the best and praying to beat the odds, the other one reeling from a devastating loss. Stop by and wish them well, say a prayer for their families or light a candle in their honor. When you're done, go and find those that are nearest to your heart and tell them you love them.

It can all go away so quickly.

Still Alive

2006-05-09T20:19:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been an interesting two weeks.

Work has been hellish to the point where I have decided to amp up my search for something new. The position that I've been offered from the agency might not be ready for me to start for another year, that's what I'm being told right now anyway. Could be tomorrow, could be next year. Ugh.

TV guy totally made my night last week when he called me around 11 pm and told me to go outside. I was pissy about it because I had just gotten into bed (for the first time before 2 am in over a month) and really didn't feel like getting up to get dressed again. I'm glad I did though because he had picked up a bottle of my favorite wine. He knows I have strict rules regarding drinking and driving and also against drinking within a certain amount of time prior to working and had everything worked out. It was really nice. I got to bed around 2 am again but got the best 4 hours of sleep that I've had in a long, long time. It's good to have friends that know you better than you know yourself.

The following weekend our town had an arts festival that is always a lot of fun to go to. Even more so this year because The Brain had a picture featured in the kids section. He was thrilled! It was nice to have a little down time.

We just keep truckin' along for now. The Brain gets out of school in a few weeks and we're finalizing plans for a vacation over the 4th of July. Hopefully I'll have a different job by then and a vacation will actually be an option. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

For now though I think I'll leave you with a picture of the cutest kid on the planet (besides my son of course). This is my nephew Talan, isn't he a doll?

I TOLD You There's a Reason Why!!

2006-04-26T08:07:00.000-05:00

Taken from a recent conversation with my mother:

Last week after putting in a 16 hour day I decided to stop in and say hi to my mom. She was sitting in her bedroom with the lights off playing Mahjongg on the computer and listening to the BYU (church) channel on TV. I came and fell onto her bed and we started talking. At one point I looked up and noticed that the program that she was watching/listening to was discussing the growing, harvesting, packaging, and preserving of mushrooms. Yep. Mushrooms. I have no idea why anyone would find this interesting enough to dedicate an entire program to but what can I say...

So anyway, I innocently made the comment that she was watching probably the only channel on television that could air that particular program and not be in danger of being sanctioned or shut down. Only in Mormon Land would a program like this not be considered something strange (and I say that with all the love in the world... really!).

Mom turns around and says "Why? What's wrong with mushrooms?"

"Ummm... are you serious?" Keep in mind that my head is pounding and the two brain cells I have aren't currently speaking to each other.

"Yeah... why wouldn't I be?"

"Well you know, there is the whole mushrooms being used to get high thing... you know, Magic Mushrooms... similar to LSD... A lotta people would probably take issue with this show, they'd probably feel that those two things were somehow related, or something" I mumble with my head buried in my arms. I'm laying on my stomach trying like hell to keep the light from reaching my eyes.

"Andria, can I just say again how much I HATE it that you know things like that?!" she says while continuing to play her game.

I look up at her to try and tell if she's serious. "What do you mean? It was your generation that made that information common knowledge." It's not like this is job related info or anything!

"MY generation?!! So it's all MY fault? Like I had anything to do with drugs! And what do you mean by that anyway!?" She sputters getting increasingly upset (and loud). (Personally I think she's overly hostile because she knows that I know that there was a time that she smoked pot and basically partied her ass off.)

"Oh you know, there was that whole movement that began in the 60's with that musician... what's his name? You know the one, long beard, tie-dye, dancing bears... Oh come on, I can't think of his name right now but you must know who I'm talking about. Someone auctioned off the man's toilet seat here recently, for heavens sake!" I now have a sinking suspicion that this conversation is quickly going to make me wish I had just gone to bed. For whatever reason, maybe just in an attempt to convince myself that my mother has in fact lived on the same planet as the rest of us, I decide to stick with it a little longer. I now have a full fledged marching band playing in my head.

"Andria, I have no idea what you're talking about! Dancing bears and a toilet seat? What does any of this have to do with growing mushrooms?" She asks laughing.

"Oh hell. Come on mom, work with me here... what WAS that man's name?" I'm frantically wracking my brain at this point. "Garcia... Garcia something... Jerry Garcia! That's it! The Grateful Dead was led by Jerry Garcia back in the 60's and 70's and amassed such a cult following that you can still find bumper stickers with dancing bears and the word 'Shrooms' on them all over town. I think our next door neighbor's car has one on it. Surely you know what I'm talking about now, right?" I'm totally thrilled that I managed to remember the name and totally thinking at this point that she'll figure out what I'm talking about and laugh it off. WHEN will I ever learn??

"The Grateful Dead?! What kind of name is that anyway? I think it's offensive! No respect for all of those who died!" She says self righteously.

"!! Are you serious?!"

"Yeah. I am. I remember hearing the name of them back then but my friends and I were good girls. We never actually listened to music like that. We stuck with more wholesome activities. And besides, what does any of this have to do with mushrooms?"

*sigh* "Nothing mom. I'm sorry. I must have been confused. I woke up to a headache this morning. You know how I get sometimes. I think I'm gonna get in the bath and then head off to bed."

"Okay honey. I hope you feel better. Is there anything I can do?" She asks with genuine concern.

Laughing quietly I manage to respond "No... I'm good. You've done enough. Thanks."

Really, is it any wonder that I'm warped?
Bless her heart! Gotta love her!

Ready to Fight

2006-04-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

TV Guy came over to the house yesterday to pick me up for a visitation that we both needed to attend. He knew that The Brain was going to be the one to answer the door so he assumed a fighting stance using his umbrella to be funny.

He was stunned when The Brain opened the door in a fighting position holding a large stick.

Neither of them planned on the other being ready to fight.

TV guy believes that The Brain may very well become Kato to his Inspector Clouseau.

Why do I foresee an ER trip in my future?

Ho Hum...

2006-04-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

I'm still here... sort of. The Brain has been sick and work has been tough. What can I say? It's just another day in the neighborhood.

I met with someone (again) from the place that I'm hoping to be hired on with. I think this was the last hoop to jump through... God I hope it was anyway! I should be hearing something within the next month or so. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The weather has been beautiful if not a little on the warm side and Easter was good.

All in all not a whole lot to blog about. I'm feeling lazy and ready for a vacation to somewhere different. I'm thinking Europe... wouldn't that be nice?

Drivin' in the Fast Lane

2006-04-13T10:28:00.000-05:00

So last night I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner. I was running late (as usual) and was speeding a little more than I probably should have been. In my defense though I really had no idea how fast I was going. It was late and I was in an area with no traffic whatsoever.

It was just me and the cop who pulled me over.

For driving 58 in a 35.

Whoops.

I was gonna get a ticket (he had it written and in hand) until he realized that he worked with my old partner.

I may have a date next week.

Did I mention that he was cute? And single? And straight?

It almost would've been worth the ticket!

Are My Cheeks Red?

2006-04-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's come to my attention that I'm not as worldly as I thought. Geez! In the last day or so a friend of mine has sent me a couple of links... apparently she's become concerned about my self imposed celibacy and thought that she'd put her two cents in.

Before you click on these, please make sure that no kids are around... Lord knows I have enough to feel guilty about without adding the corruption of minors to it!

This first one amazes me. Honestly I just don't get it. It's not porn, at least not in the strictest sense of the word, but if it's not, then what the hell is it?! I'm no prude, really I'm not, but I think if I ever accidentally saw myself orgasm I'd probably never have sex again. I'd be mortified, yet here are countless people that have opted to video tape it and submit it for strangers to watch.

I must be slow.

The second one is supposedly written by a married couple that like to share details of their personal lives. Hey, more power to them. After reading a couple of their posts I have to say that while not really my speed, it's not all bad either. I just don't understand what conversation could have possibly led them to that decision. Hey honey, last night was really great! Hey, I have an idea... let's tell everyone ALL about it. Right down to the smallest detail. Then we can sit back while perfect strangers praise us!

So there ya go, even after working in law enforcement for waaay to long, I can still be surprised. Who knew?

Now excuse me while I go research the latest in kid blocking technology.

Food for Thought

2006-04-11T19:48:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across this today and thought it worthy of posting. It is (in my humble opinion) very well written, it made me tune in and stop and think for a minute or two. I decided to repost it in the hopes that whether you agree with it or not, that it will make you stop and think too.

I regret I couldn't discern the author.

Proud of your country? Your leader?
Date: 2006-03-21, 4:38PM

I am ashamed. I am ashamed of this President. Aren't you? After watching his press conference today, a sense of shame overtook me. I'm ashamed that he took to the podium today as if he emptied out a container of laughing gas. I'm ashamed of a President who has the temerity to laugh when asked a question about war. I'm ashamed of the whores of the fourth estate who care more about having the honor of being the butt of one of the President's jokes than about exposing the truth to the American people. I'm ashamed that millions of my fellow Americans are so scared and so desperate for leadership that they believe the President's bullshit.

I am ashamed. I'm ashamed of this President, this megalomaniac hellbent on leaving his assprint on the map of the Middle East, no matter how much destruction is wrought and no matter how much blood flows in the streets of lands that never threatened us. I'm ashamed that when I see the American flag waiving, images of flag-draped coffins flash in my mind. I'm ashamed of Freedom's March. Ashamed when I see villages reduced to rubble. Ashamed when I see the tiny little corpses. God, they're so painfully tiny--lined up in a row, little angels wrapped in colorful blankets that starkly contrast against their gray-tinged faces. Ashamed when I see wailing Iraqis slam their hands against plain, unvarnished coffins, over and over, asking "Why? Is this democracy? Why?" When I see those image of funerals, of broken families, I want to crawl into my TV, I want to go to them and grab their slumped shoulders and scream "I'm sorry, good god, I'm so sorry. I want to leave, I want us to leave, believe me. But they won't listen...No one listens anymore."

I'm ashamed that the word "massacre" is even uttered in connection with our actions in Iraq. I'm ashamed it's not just one massacre that is alleged, but two. I'm ashamed it's gotten to the point that I can't even tell this little voice inside of me to shut up, that little voice that says maybe, just maybe it could be true. That the impossible may be plausible. Before this war, I would have rejected such claims outright. But that voice of plausibility is the consequence of those black hoods. It's the consequence of those leashes, those snarling dogs. It's the consequence of those detainees chained to bedframes. Of naked pyramids. Of forced sex acts. Of beatings and blood-streaked floors.

I am ashamed. Ashamed that Justice is no longer blindfolded, but gagged. Ashamed that in America, in AMERICA, I can only protest in "free speech zones" the size of postage stamps. Ashamed that by the time I'll take my oath as an officer of the court to support the Constitution, I'll be swearing to uphold a tattered document that has managed to survive over 200 years only to be shredded by this President in less than eight.

I am ashamed. Ashamed that in America, I see bearded men panhandling in the street, holding cardboard signs that read "U.S. Vet, can't work, need food. God bless." Ashamed that somewhere, in our America, a grandmother is sitting alone at her kitchen table, crumpled bills clutched in her thin hands, agonizing over the choice before her: medicine for her pain, or food to keep on living. Ashamed that there is a child who will go to sleep tonight on a cot in an orphanage, with no one to read him a story, no one to stroke his hair and kiss him goodnight, because the American Taliban thinks gay Americans can't love, can't parent, can't provide.

I am ashamed of my fellow Americans. Ashamed that they haven't flooded the streets. Ashamed they care more about Brangelina than the Bill of Rights. Ashamed that they're seemingly ok with the subtle but steady transformation from democracy to dictatorship. Ashamed that they are so gullible.

I am ashamed of myself. For not having the courage or the strength to do anything else but sit here and blog. I write. I protest. I vote. And yet, I'm impotent. Stuck in a unrelenting cycle of hope and despair and hope and despair. What a curse it is to be 23 and want to change the world. What a curse to be so disillusioned so early in life. What a curse to want to change a world that will not change...that cannot change? That cannot change as long as we sit and wait for others to change it. That cannot change as long as our elected Democrats refuse to take a principled stand. That cannot change until they--until we--appreciate the gravity of the situation before us: we are losing America.

This is not America. I refuse to accept it. America doesn't torture. America doesn't jail people incommunicado for years. America doesn't sit idly by as an entire people are exterminated in Darfur. America doesn't stifle science. America doesn't conduct massive, secret spying on innocent citizens. America doesn't believe the individual is an annoyance, an impediment to supreme government power. This isn't the greatest democracy on earth. This isn't the nation that pioneered human rights. This isn't the America that leads the world, that leads humanity towards a greater good. No, I refuse to accept this America of shame. This is not my America. It is an America perverted by Republican stewardship. A nation that under GOP rule has abandoned its founding ideals of freedom, liberty, and justice for all. True Americans--coast to coast, young and old--now bow their heads silently in collective shame for a nation that has lost its way.

Original URL: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/144019002.html

Interesting, huh?

More Storm Pictures...

2006-04-09T17:08:00.000-05:00

Right before severe weather comes it's not unusual to see these clouds. They're called mammatus clouds and they hang on the underbelly of the anvil. Typically if you see an anvil you know you're screwed for severe weather. If you see mammatus clouds you know hail is coming. Still, pretty cool looking clouds...

The winds pick up and the sky starts turning colors. Sometimes it looks brown and sometimes, like in this picture, it looks almost purple. I've heard it's because the wind kicks up the dust from the dirt (aka Alabama Red Clay) and it gives this effect. Whether that's true or not, it never fails to creep me out!

And then the hail comes...

I'd hate to be hit by those! The hail we usually get isn't any bigger than nickels. This storm spat out golf ball size hail all over the city. We were lucky not to see any of it. These pictures were taken less than 10 miles from my house... did I mention we were lucky?

Here are a few miscellaneous pictures that people have sent in since I posted yesterday. I'm only posting pictures that are within 30 miles of where I live. Some of these are really cool looking.

I'm just glad it's over.

After the Storm

2006-04-08T12:03:00.001-05:00

I've lived in the South on and off for the last 23 years, I've been through enough tornado seasons and severe weather to know when to worry and when to go to bed. My best friend's home was destroyed by a tornado when we were in high school and my mom and brother were almost killed by one when I was growing up. That time, it took my dad and I almost 6 hours to find them. We're veterans.

After all of that, I'm not sure I have ever been as concerned about the weather as I was yesterday and last night. For the better part of 8 hours we were bombarded by storms. Not one, not two, but so many individual storm cells that the weather men couldn't keep up. At one point they were tracking a tornado on the ground 10 miles from my house, headed straight towards us. No big deal, right? Wrong. At the same time there were reports of funnel clouds (by professional spotters) on the other three sides. We were literally surrounded. Did I mention it was dark and we couldn't see a thing??

I got The Brain dressed and mom and I got out emergency supplies and bags and got everything into the bathroom and we waited. The wind and rain were such that it sounded like the roof was going to peel off. Through it all we listened to the TV and radio broadcasting up to minute coverage of where the storms were.

It was the night that seemed like it would never end. But it did. We were sooooo fortunate! No real damage to speak of, and though there were several confirmed tornados in my city it appears that they never went below the tree line. While some areas lost power no nothing was really damaged. A big chunk of my city was taken out by a F-4 in 1989, that's the one that my mom and brother were in. Last night, one of the tornados eerily tracked the exact same path that the one in 1989 took. Listening to the radio was like traveling back in time into a nightmare.
I am including several pictures that were taken last night and posted on one of the local sites here. I am only including pictures taken in my city to give you some idea of what we were dealing with last night.

Say a special prayer for all of those families that were not so fortunate yesterday. Tennessee was hit hard and loved ones were lost. It's easy to forget that.

This picture was taken off one of our downtown parking garages right as the first storm began entering the city.

Pictures of the wall cloud as the second wave of storms came in. The closer the storms came the darker it got. These pictures were all taken within about 30 minutes of each other. People around here know that when you see a wall cloud that looks like this you take cover.

And then it got dark.

Like I said, it was a long night.

When it's dark you have to rely on lightning to show you what's going on. It's scary.

We were so lucky!

Gotta Go

2006-04-07T12:32:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post to say that I'm not going to be around today. The schools have closed early and the base is practically shutting down as we speak.

Severe weather is on it's way. The last time we had a set up on the radar that looked like this an F-5 landed in Birmingham.

This could be really nasty. I'm signing off now to prepare, gotta get the candles, emergency supplies, etc. out and check in with the other people that work in this area doing what I do. Lots to do...

I'll try and post later when it passes.

Congratulations Amanda!!

2006-04-06T07:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a huge day around here. My oldest friend in the world and the person I consider to be the sister I never had, Amanda, got engaged. Thank God!!

She's been with her guy for about four years now and despite his claims to the contrary, I think we were all beginning to give up hope. He wasn't dragging his feet out of reluctance or anything, he lives with and cares for an elderly maiden aunt and wanted to wait until she'd be alright with it. Who can blame a guy for that?

I couldn't be happier for her, it was really nice getting good news for a change. We went for a drive and giggled and talked and hashed and re-hashed the big moment over and over and over again. What he said, how he said it, how he looked when he said it, where he was standing, what he was wearing, what she was thinking, what she said, what she thought, how she feels, and everything in between. Twice!

It seems like for the last couple of years there have been an inordinate amount of funerals and wakes around here. As a matter of fact, the last three times I have seen her fiance' has been at funerals or visitations. Her engagement is really good news, and I for one am really looking forward to having the whole next year filled with happy, fun, and yes, frustrating moments.

We plan on starting the whole thing off right on Monday with coffee and dress shopping. I can hardly wait! She's going to be a beautiful bride.

I'm So Excited!

2006-04-04T16:26:00.000-05:00

Last night I discovered that my and thousands of other people's prayers have been answered.

It appears that scientists have been able to grow new organs using the patients own cells. This has been done 6 times successfully with bladders and they are in the process of continuing experimentation on other organs as well. You can find the article here.

If you've never had personal experience with organ transplantation or you have never known anyone who has you can't possibly know what this means.

When my father received a heart transplant it gave him a chance to live another eleven years. I am profoundly grateful for those years but I wonder at the price he had to pay to have them. The toxins he took in the form of anti-rejection med's along with the myriad of other drugs that he took twice a day to counter the effects of those toxins was astounding. It used to take me a full hour to make up his medicines for just one week. Over 60 pills in all he took, every day for eleven years.

We were told when he received the transplant that he was buying himself about 10 years. We were very, very blessed. Knowing what I know now though, if I could go back I honestly don't know if I could ask him to do it again. He got his heart, but he also got cancer, renal failure, diabetes, and a ton of other things on the side.

The transplant medication prolonged his life but destroyed everything inside of him. Every drug has side effects. Try and imagine the side effects of all of the drugs he had to take and then consider how each of them react when taken with all the rest.

My dad was just one of millions world wide facing these types of problems. Consider little Annika, the recipient of not one but two liver transplants, now in need of another. Her parents have been told that she's simply not strong enough to withstand another surgery right now. They are praying she can hold on long enough to regain her strength and that their insurance will hold out to pay for her care. She wants to start Kindergarten in the fall, doing so might cost her her life.

Personally I don't care how it happens. Stem cells, cloning, or the way it seems to be happening now. Having the ability to receive a new heart, kidney, lung, whatever that was grown by your own body would be the equivalent to winning the lottery. No anti-rejection medicines, no side effects. A real chance at life.

I am so excited!

Donations are accepted at The American Society of Transplanation.

Sleepy Spring

2006-04-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

I love summer. I'm a true Southern gal at heart. Warm weather, BBQ's, days spent out on the lake, fireflies at dusk, lemonade on the front porch swing, the whole deal. I love that it's almost 9 when it gets dark by the end of July.

Having said that, damnmit if I didn't hate getting up this morning! The Brain did too. When I turned on his light I heard a muffled "you're jokin' right?!" from beneath his pillows and blankets. I only wished that I were.

I worked until almost 4am this morning, trying frantically to get caught back up. I've submitted most of my February cases now and am now starting on March. Hopefully by next week if I can keep up the pace I'll be ready to begin April. Ugh. I need a break.

To those of you who have emailed me over the last month or two, I'm not ignoring you, I promise! I'm trying to do the best I can to keep my head above water right now, I'll try to be better about it soon!

For now I think I'll take my lunch outside and enjoy this beautiful weather. Have a great day!

I'm Back

2006-04-02T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry that it's been so long since my last post. It seems sometimes that when it rains it pours and lately it feels like I haven't been dry in months!

For all of that, nothing really has changed all that much around here. My job has kept me insanely busy, the weather is warm and beautiful, and The Brain is as busy as ever keeping me on my toes.

There is a certain amount of reassurance to be found in that I guess. The knowledge that regardless of how much time goes by, in many respects things remain the same.

I am currently trying to determine where we will move this summer. Most of the time being a single parent isn't that bad, but this is one of those times that I miss having someone to bounce ideas off from. Trying to determine the balance between what will ultimately be best for our family against what is best for my career. These two things are irrevocably bound. I have to work if we want to eat. Eating doesn't seem all that important if I lose the respect of my son along the way. What to do, what to do.
Things will work themselves out in the end but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't ready to just fast forward to that point. I just want to be able to sit on my front porch swing and watch my son play in the yard and know that we are where we are going to be for a while. Big dreams...

Anyway, Kdubs was asking for pictures of some of the flowers in my yard so I'll take this time to pass these along now as well.

We spent yesterday afternoon working in the yard, pulling the autumn flowers out and preparing the ground for the summer ones. This is a picture of the birch tree in my front yard. Pretty huh? I still need to bring it in a little so you can see the river rock underneath that mess!

My mailbox... please overlook the garbage can and junk in the picture, like I said, we were working when I took these.

The Brain and his cousin had a good time playing with the discarded flowers, he's so good with her. She worships him and he just loves her! I hope that we can stay in this area so they can remain close. She's turning 3 in June and he'll be 10 in July but that doesn't seem to matter. They love playing together!

I took a couple of pictures of my back patio too. Again, needs a lot of work, but beautiful nonetheless. It smells wonderful this time of year. It blooms twice a year, once in spring, once in the fall. The butterflies love it and it just makes the whole yard seem cheerful.

Anyway, there's more work to be done before I can rest for the day so I'll close for now. Maybe someday life will be a little slower for us all... but not today!

As promised

2006-03-27T15:18:00.000-06:00

Here ya go, and this time I actually managed to not mimic a first grader! Baby steps people!

I'm glad y'all had an easier time with this one. I've always enjoyed these hidden picture puzzles.

Work is incredibly busy right now and I'm finding it hard to post anything at all some days. For now I'll pass along a picture I took this past weekend of my baby brother and my son goofing off.

Families are great, aren't they?

If my head doesn't explode or my fingers fall off from typing I promise to be back in fighting form by Thursday. God willing.

Hidden Faces Revealed!

2006-03-26T15:41:00.000-06:00

As promised, here are all nine faces circled. This is a painting done by Octavio Ocampo, it's called The Generals Family. The faces found in this picture are those of the members of his family.

Here's one more just for fun. You should find at least 10 faces in this picture.
I promise this will be the last one for a while!

I'm trying to put together a post about some of my experiences from back in the days when I was a Private Investigator. We'll see how it turns out. Stay tuned!

Can you find all nine?

2006-03-24T10:43:00.000-06:00

Come on now, keep trying. I'll try and post the picture over again tonight with the answers circled.

How many can you find?

Here's a hint, look toward the sides of the picture...

How many people do you see?

2006-03-23T10:41:00.000-06:00

Most of the time my job requires that I look beyond the obvious. You know, listening as much to what is not being said, looking for the absence of something instead of what is there...

Being a good investigator often means pulling back, changing perspectives, and looking at things from a completely different angle.

This is a good exercise for just that type of thing. How many people can you find in this picture?

I'm a masochist

2006-03-22T10:58:00.000-06:00

I must be. It's the only explanation.

Why else would I plant flowers all over my yard and inside containers both indoors and out when I have quite possibly the worse case of springtime allergies that the world has ever seen?

Masochism I tell you. It's the only explanation.

And while I'm at it, why is it my son's energy level seems to be somehow directly tied to my state of health? He seems to be most full of it when I am at my least.

Ahhh-chooo... sniffle, sniffle, sniffle...

Ugh!

It's inconceivable to me that the mid-west is buried under two feet of snow!

THANK YOU KELLY!!!

2006-03-21T11:07:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm horribly slow in posting this and I should be flogged accordingly.

In case you haven't noticed my incredibly cool new digs, look at me now! Pretty amazing huh? Kelly over at Nello Designs created this for me... Isn't she amazing?!

I'm sure Kelly was ready to pack it in a couple of times, heaven knows I don't know anything about html and even less about how to describe what was in my head, but she never gave up.

Seriously Kelly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love this design that you've created for me, it's wonderful!

It's Spring!

2006-03-20T14:09:00.000-06:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone that either emailed me or left a comment for me in support of my family and me this last weekend. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. Thank you.

Anyway...

Spring is here. Finally! I know that for me this past winter season has been really tough. I'm a warm weather girl. I love flowers and all things green, and I especially love spending time outside enjoying the beauty found in nature.

None of this is easy when it is cold. Ugh!

Having said that, even though it is cold and wet outside today (and probably will be for most of the week), I am still ecstatic that it's spring. Officially.

Even my hydrangea realized it and decided to bloom. By the way, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this neat little plant, you can actually change the color of the blooms by changing the pH of the soil. Cool huh? I have mine potted at the moment in case we get another freeze, but if you plant them in well drained soil they can grow up to 10-12 feet if you let them.

Happy Birthday Daddy

2006-03-18T15:45:00.000-06:00

Today would have been daddy's 69th birthday. But today,instead of celebrating with a big and loud family dinner like we have every year in the past, this year we went to the cemetery.

I'm not at all sure how I feel right now. In some ways today has been a lot easier than I thought it was going to be, in other ways...

Anyway, we went to the cemetery and we planted a miniature rose bush next to his headstone. Within a month or two it will be covered with bright yellow red-tipped blossoms that will sweeten the air around it.

I know that he would have loved it, and I'm hoping that as we return year after year there will be comfort found in its beauty.

Where I am gone, be not afraid...
It is a place that Life is made.
In a New Beginning, not an end...
We all will know and Love again.

Christopher Cornell Sterling

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

2006-03-17T11:12:00.001-06:00

One Hundred Things About Me

2006-03-16T18:35:00.000-06:00

1. Blood, mayhem, screaming, and death don’t bother me. Turn on a scary movie and I turn into a wuss. I hate them and refuse to watch them. I know, it makes no sense to me either.

2. Many people believe that they know me well, only one or two truly do. I’ve had people whose names I can barely remember refer to me as their best friend. It never ceases to surprise me.

3. I have a weakness for chocolate chip cookie dough and Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies… Not at the same time.

4. There was a time that I was convinced that Janet Evanovich patterned her character Stephanie Plumb after me. I still wonder. Some of the experiences that Stephanie Plumb has had could have been taken out of my diary. Pathetic, but true.

5. I am often underestimated while working. For some reason, a woman sitting in a car listening to classical music and crocheting is never thought to be conducting surveillance. This amuses me.

6. Beautiful music makes me cry.

7. I detest crying. It makes my head hurt and my nose run. I wind up feeling worse physically when I’m done and ridiculous when I’m doing it.

8. I’ve often wished that I could feel comfortable crying, it would be nice to have that kind of release once in a while.

9. I am a romantic at heart.

10. I am not cold, indifferent, or uncaring. This is my work face. It’s a habit. The more emotional I am, the less likely I am to allow you to see it. It’s a self preservation thing and I can’t not do it. It’s not intentional, it’s just me. If you knew me half as well as you seem to think that you do, you’d know that.

11. I got married at 20.

12. It wound up being an abusive relationship.

13. I had my son a few months before my 21st birthday.

14. I left my husband when I was 22.

15. I told him I wanted a divorce on April Fools Day (an accident, I swear).

16. Our divorce was finalized on Halloween. I was 23. I have not seen, spoken to him, or had contact with him of any kind since this time. I do not receive child support.
For 6 years I went to school full time at night while working full time during the day.

17. I graduated with my Masters in December 2004 with a 4.0 GPA.

18. I am incredibly stubborn.

19. I love being with my son more than anything else on earth.

20. I love picnics outside.

21. My family is the most important thing in the world to me.

22. Someday, I’d love the chance to be a stay at home mom… Part time.

23. I used to play in an orchestra.

24. I played the flute.

25. I preformed at Carnegie Hall when I was 16 years old.

26. I wish I had time to play now.

27. Someday I think it would be fun to play in the pit orchestra for the local theatre.

28. Being in love scares me because it means giving up control, but that never stops me from falling.

29. Fireworks make me happy.

30. I don’t respect men who are threatened or impressed by what I do or the badge I carry.

31. I love roses and the smell of lavender.

32. I love going to the beach and feeling the sand between my toes.

33. I’m not all that fond of the water. The idea that there is so much beneath the water that cannot be seen scares me a little.

34. That never stops me from going snorkeling.

35. I firmly believe that every once in a while you should do something that scares the hell out of you.

36. A friend of mine, Debbie (Mom II), without realizing it, has taught me more about accepting myself and living life to the fullest than anyone else I’ve ever known. I want to grow up to be like her. I’ve never told her that. Until now. (I love you!)

37. The fastest way to my heart is by giving me flowers.

38. I’m a cheap date. Flowers, a packed dinner, and a long conversation where my ideas are sought after and respected are all it takes to make me happy. Of course jewelry will never be refused.

39. If you don’t take a stand and stand up to me I won’t respect you.

40. I love to debate.

41. I hate angry, emotional, and close minded people.

42. I don’t have a type, in friendship or relationships. I get along and have friends with people from all walks of life. Intelligence is the only common denominator.

43. I lived most of the first 8 years in Europe.

44. I want to take my son back to live for at least 2 years.

45. I constantly fear that I’m not a good enough mother.

46. I constantly tell myself that I am and resolve to keep trying to do better.

47. I figure it’ll be another 15 years before I’ll be able to tell which of those is right.

48. For the whole of my life my dad was my very best friend.

49. No man will ever come close to him so I quit trying to find one that was.

50. Dad died August 1, 2005.

51. He had 3 heart attacks, a heart transplant, complete renal failure, diabetes, a stroke, cancer, and a myriad of other secondary illnesses. My mother and I saw to his care everyday for the last 13 years.

52. When he died I was emotionally and mentally exhausted.

53. I would give anything to be that exhausted again if it meant 5 for minutes with him. He was the bravest, most courageous man I’ve ever known.

54. While I don’t talk about it, I miss him everyday. Sometimes it creeps up on me and the power of it takes my breath away.

55. Losing him hurt more than anything else I’ve ever experienced.

56. Sometimes when I wake up, I realize that I’ve been talking to him in my sleep and I can hear his voice echoing in my head with the answers to my questions.

57. I know that he’s still very close by.

58. The day after his funeral I received a call from an agency that he encouraged me to apply with. They wanted to set up an interview.

59. Two weeks to the day after he died I returned to the city of his death for the interview.

60. I received an offer letter from this agency on my birthday, a full two months earlier than I was told to look for one.

61. I don’t believe in coincidences.

62. Dad never did either.

63. I love watching NCIS and Gilmore Girls.

64. I rarely watch TV.

65. I love watching thunderstorms roll through. There is something very powerful about watching nature’s fury unfold.

66. I smoked a pack a day for almost 12 years.

67. I was addicted to Dr. Pepper and would drink at least three bottles a day.

68. I quit both cold on February 23, 2005.

69. I decided that the best time to quit something like that was to pick the hardest time in my life. If I could do it then, I could handle it anytime. It worked and I have.

70. My dad was so proud that I quit that I know I’ll never start back again.

71. For my last birthday I received 5 flower arrangements, a spa gift certificate, a leaf blower, and a Dremmel Tool kit. It was the perfect birthday. Even if I did turn 30.

72. I have my own power tools and I use them often.

73. I love gardening. Planting flowers and making things beautiful is one of my favorite pastimes.

74. I believe that Southern people are some of the nicest people on earth.

75. I’ve traveled and lived throughout Europe and the US extensively. I’m basing # 74 on experience.

76. I love watching Alabama football, even if I rarely have time to do it.

77. I love drinking Wild Vines Peach Chardonnay in the summer time. It’s cheap grocery store wine but I love the taste of it.

78. I have never tried any illegal substances, including marijuana.

79. I rarely drink. I always drive others home.

80. I’ve never minded.

81. I have called the police on one of my best friends that insisted on driving home while intoxicated.

82. He got a DUI and hasn’t spoken to me since.

83. I still don’t regret it.

84. I have no patience for stupidity.

85. I’m a night owl.

86. I love mornings, once I’m actually up.

87. I’ve never tried to figure that out.

88. The movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding could have been modeled after my family.

89. I love reading. I usually read about two to three books at a time. Different books for different moods.

90. I love going to listen to live bands play. Especially when they play outdoors.

91. I strongly believe in the power of volunteering and have volunteered multiple times a year for various community projects since I was in junior high.

92. My son is now a volunteer as well. This makes me very proud.

93. I firmly believe that you get out of your city what you are willing to put into it.

94. I believe that someday I may run for a state office.

95. I need to learn to curb my tongue first.

96. I am second generation American-Italian.

97. I am very proud of that fact.

98. I am trying to learn to be more patient and understanding of people. I am trying to learn to give people the benefit of the doubt. So far it’s not sinking in.

99. I believe happiness is both a choice and a lifestyle.

100. My mother and I are very different people. We will never see eye to eye on mostthings. I still respect her tremendously. She is the strongest woman I know and I try to be more like her every day. It will be a long process.

A Day of Rest

2006-03-15T20:30:00.000-06:00

I decided to take my own suggestion and just relax today. There's no way that I could possibly get caught up on everything in one day anyway, so I decided not to worry about it.

Hey. Denial works for me.

The good news is that my knee cap isn't broken (yay!), there's just a lot of swelling at the joint. Whatever. Just so long as a cast isn't involved I don't give a shit. I could just see myself having to ask the doctor if there is anyway we could put the whole cast idea off for a couple of weeks. You know, cause' like right now just isn't working for me. Somehow I see him being less than amused. Crisis diverted. (Whew!)

I'm about a month behind on laundry, both of my cars look like a dumpster threw up in them (honestly, at this point I just need to figure out a way to pick them up, turn them upside down and shake the hell outta them for a while!), and I still haven't gotten caught back up on work. But hey, tomorrow is another day.

Oh well. I did manage to get through the day without further injury to myself. I guess we have to take our successes where we can, right?

It's been Monday since last Saturday

2006-03-14T19:17:00.000-06:00

It's just gonna be one of those weeks. You know the ones I'm talking about. The kind where you rush around and not only manage NOT to get anything done, but in fact wind up with twice as much left to do than when you started.

So far this week I have:

Had a run in that resulted in my cracking one of my toes at the joint. And yeah, just in case you're wondering- Nope. Nothing to do about it but just let it heal. Tape is supposed to help. So far I can't tell a difference.

Had my knee give out on me while jogging. This resulted in two scraped up knees and a possible cracked knee-cap (x-ray tomorrow), not to mention me feeling like a dumb ass. Like I don't have enough of those moments in my life as it is!

Driven three hours for a 30 minute meeting that accomplished nothing, the nothing by the way could have been handled over the phone. But then, no one asked me.

Gotten my new work lap top. Only to find that they decided to try something new. This time instead of it working at first and THEN breaking they apparently just decided to give me a broken one to save time. Nice huh? Yeah, I thought so too.

And lastly, had a stupid argument with my mother over religion. When will I ever learn?

So that's the last couple of days. See? All Monday's.

I'm thinking that maybe I'd just be better off staying in bed until sometime next week. Whaddya think?

It might be safer.

Frustrations

2006-03-13T20:51:00.000-06:00

I have a good friend that lives on the other side of the U.S.. We've been friends for a long time but have never managed to stay in the same state and single at the same time long enough to ever actually go out. We've stayed in close touch and talk regularly both on the phone and over email, close enough that I hardly even notice that he's not here most of the time, even though it's been two years since I've actually seen him.

Good friends don't have to be present to be there for you, he's an example of that. Despite being over a thousand miles away he was there for me in ways that no one else was this last horrific year that dad was so sick and we've gotten to be even closer as a result of that support. In turn I've been able to offer support to him as he's been through difficult times.

I've never believed in coincidences and have always had perfect faith that things work out in the way that their supposed to. So why is it suddenly so frustrating? Why now? Maybe it's because I finally have the chance to breath a little. Maybe it's because I hear the frustration in his voice every time we talk, though he's too much of a gentleman to ever bring it up.

Sometimes I'd love to have a crystal ball... Just to see.

I don't know where I'll be moving this summer yet and as a result can't tell him. He's indicated that he would try and transfer to where ever we move if it's possible. I guess I should be thankful for patient men and just shut up and stop complaining.

Sheesh! It really shouldn't be this hard!

Maybe I need to give that whole gypsy idea some more thought... They have crystal balls, don't they?

A History Lesson

2006-03-12T13:27:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I took The Brain to visit the Space and Rocket Center for a day of learning and fun. It is truly something that has to been seen to be believed. I've probably been no less than a dozen times over the years... Hell, I drive past it every day! I guess because I am so used to having it here I was surprised to find that I took something new away from the park this time.

I'm sure that it had always been there and I had just never noticed, but yesterday I stumbled across a dimly lit wall off to the corner of one of the exhibits. It was covered with 20 large photographs taken of all of the women that had logged hours in space. I stood there looking at these women, most PhD's, some military some not, and was struck by such a sense of pride that it stunned me.

(Feminism - that women are inherently equal to men and deserve equal rights and opportunities. )

Stop and think for a moment.

Women were only granted the vote in 1920. Just 43 years later Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova became the first woman in space. How incredible is that?? It took the Americans about 20 years longer, but in July 1983 Sally Ride became the first American woman in space, it was another 9 years before Mae Jemison would become the first African-American woman to travel to space.

These women take my breath away! Their courage and the dedication that they have shown the world is nothing short of amazing. I think it's easy for people, men especially, to underestimate the struggles that women continue to face in the workplace every day. It's easy to forget that it's only been in the last 35 or so years that women have stopped being looked upon as chattel, property owned by their husbands. It's easy to forget that until very recently, just a generation or two, women were not considered intelligent or strong enough to have their opinions heard or respected.

I wanted to find all twenty pictures of these amazing women. I tried. I looked in two different gift shops for something with their pictures in it. I searched online. I tried to figure out how many combined hours these amazing women have logged to date but I couldn't. I did find one interesting tid bit:

Dr. Shannon W. Lucid holds the record for the most flight hours in orbit by any man or woman in the world, as a veteran of five space flights she has logged 223 days (5,354 hours) in space!

As a gender, the strides that have been made towards equality in the last 100 years are nothing short of remarkable!!

Consider this abbreviated timeline. You don't have to read the whole thing, but if you do, stop and really think about these dates. With the exception of the first six or so, you should be able to find women alive today that can remember these times. For close to half of them my mother was alive, many have taken place in my own lifetime.

1848 The first women's rights convention is held in Seneca Falls, New York. After 2 days of discussion and debate, 68 women and 32 men sign a Declaration of Sentiments, which outlines grievances and sets the agenda for the women's rights movement. A set of 12 resolutions is adopted calling for equal treatment of women and men under the law and voting rights for women.
1850 The first National Women's Rights Convention takes place in Worcester, Mass., attracting more than 1,000 participants. National conventions are held yearly (except for 1857) through 1860.
1869 Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association. The primary goal of the organization is to achieve voting rights for women by means of a Congressional amendment to the Constitution.
1893 Colorado is the first state to adopt an amendment granting women the right to vote. Utah and Idaho follow suit in 1896, Washington State in 1910, California in 1911, Oregon, Kansas, and Arizona in 1912, Alaska and Illinois in 1913, Montana and Nevada in 1914, New York in 1917; Michigan, South Dakota, and Oklahoma in 1918.
1896 The National Association of Colored Women is formed, bringing together more than 100 black women's clubs. Leaders in the black women's club movement include Josephine St. Pierre Ruffin, Mary Church Terrell, and Anna Julia Cooper.Top
1903 The National Women's Trade Union League (WTUL) is established to advocate for improved wages and working conditions for women.
1916 Margaret Sanger opens the first U.S. birth-control clinic in Brooklyn, N.Y. Although the clinic is shut down 10 days later and Sanger is arrested, she eventually wins support through the courts and opens another clinic in New York City in 1923.
Aug. 26, 1920 The 19th Amendment to the Constitution, granting women the right to vote, is signed into law by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.
1921 Margaret Sanger founds the American Birth Control League, which evolves into the Planned Parenthood Federation of America in 1942.
1935 Mary McLeod Bethune organizes the National Council of Negro Women, a coalition of black women's groups that lobbies against job discrimination, racism, and sexism.
1936 The federal law prohibiting the dissemination of contraceptive information through the mail is modified and birth control information is no longer classified as obscene. Throughout the 1940s and 50s, birth control advocates are engaged in numerous legal suits.
1955 The Daughters of Bilitis (DOB), the first lesbian organization in the United States, is founded. Although DOB originated as a social group, it later developed into a political organization to win basic acceptance for lesbians in the United States.Top
1960 The Food and Drug Administration approves birth control pills.
1961 President John Kennedy establishes the President's Commission on the Status of Women and appoints Eleanor Roosevelt as chairwoman. The report issued by the Commission in 1963 documents substantial discrimination against women in the workplace and makes specific recommendations for improvement, including fair hiring practices, paid maternity leave, and affordable child care.
June 10, 1963 Congress passes the Equal Pay Act, making it illegal for employers to pay a woman less than what a man would receive for the same job.
1969 California becomes the first state to adopt a "no fault" divorce law, which allows couples to divorce by mutual consent. By 1985 every state has adopted a similar law. Laws are also passed regarding the equal division of common property.Top
1970 In Schultz v. Wheaton Glass Co., a U.S. Court of Appeals rules that jobs held by men and women need to be "substantially equal" but not "identical" to fall under the protection of the Equal Pay Act. An employer cannot, for example, change the job titles of women workers in order to pay them less than men.
1971 Ms. Magazine is first published as a sample insert in New York magazine; 300,000 copies are sold out in 8 days. The first regular issue is published in July 1972. The magazine becomes the major forum for feminist voices, and cofounder and editor Gloria Steinem is launched as an icon of the modern feminist movement.
March 22, 1972 The Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) is passed by Congress and sent to the states for ratification. Originally drafted by Alice Paul in 1923, the amendment reads: "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex." The amendment died in 1982 when it failed to achieve ratification by a minimum of 38 states.
Also on Mar. 22
In Eisenstadt v. Baird the Supreme Court rules that the right to privacy includes an unmarried person's right to use contraceptives.
June 23
Title IX of the Education Amendments bans sex discrimination in schools. It states: "No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any educational program or activity receiving federal financial assistance." As a result of Title IX, the enrollment of women in athletics programs and professional schools increases dramatically.
1973 As a result of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court establishes a woman's right to safe and legal abortion, overriding the anti-abortion laws of many states.
1976 The first marital rape law is enacted in Nebraska, making it illegal for a husband to rape his wife.
1984 EMILY's List (Early Money Is Like Yeast) is established as a financial network for pro-choice Democratic women running for national political office. The organization makes a significant impact on the increasing numbers of women elected to Congress.
1986 Meritor Savings Bank v. Vinson, the Supreme Court finds that sexual harassment is a form of illegal job discrimination.
1992 In Planned Parenthood v. Casey, the Supreme Court reaffirmed the validity of a woman's right to abortion under Roe v. Wade. The case successfully challenged Pennsylvania's 1989 Abortion Control Act, which sought to reinstate restrictions previously ruled unconstitutional.
1994 The Violence Against Women Act tightens federal penalties for sex offenders, funds services for victims of rape and domestic violence, and provides for special training of police officers.

All information from this timeline was gathered here. There was way too much to post so I just grabbed some of it to give you an idea.

I believe that now that women can be found in every major occupation and in every office around the world it is important to remember how far we've come. Whether you work outside the home or not you should be proud that you have the opportunity to make that choice for yourself. At the end of the day I believe that what we all really want is to be respected in whatever we choose to do. We should all strive to set an example both for our children as well as other women, an example of tolerance and respect.

Until we do, we sabotage ourselves and we tarnish the legacy left to us by these amazing women.

Another Alabama Test... Just because I'm lazy

2006-03-10T16:45:00.000-06:00

Here are some ways to know if you're a true Alabamaian...

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Opelika, Oneonta, and Eufaula.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggys.
6. You've seen people wear bibb overalls at funerals.
7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in
the same store.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.

Finally:
19. you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah." "What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

Have a great weekend!

What I've learned this week...

2006-03-09T19:14:00.000-06:00

This has been a long ass week! I've actually learned a few things about myself along the way though, so I guess it was a productive one.

Here are a few of the things that I've learned.

1. While I am a woman that's very happy working in an almost all male environment, there are still days that I wish avidly for a penis. Yep, you read that right, a penis. Apparently having a penis helps a person to feel confident when doing things like buying rope and tying mattresses to the roof of a Jeep. I mean, I'm intelligent, I'm educated, I'm perfectly capable of handling myself in almost any situation, and yet it took me over 2 hours to decide what type of rope I needed and what the best way was to ensure that my new mattresses wouldn't go flying down the highway (which is what happened last time). I must have spent 30 minutes trying to determine which mathematical equation I needed to figure out how many pounds of pressure the rope had to be able to withstand, factoring in the weight of the mattresses and my speed (I'm pretty sure that if you have a penis you don't think about things like that). I could be wrong though.

So who knew? Penis' actually have multiple uses!

2. I'm destined to get kicked out of the girl club. Trying to sit around and have a conversation with a bunch of women over brunch is now my new definition of hell. I'm sure that all women aren't like this, but honestly, I really don't care how old little Johnny was when he started to walk. No, I didn't realize that your designer bag was the "seasons" biggest thing, and nope, I don't care. Personally, I think you must not be all that bright if you intentionally spent close to $400 on an ugly bag that you'll be afraid to be seen with in 6 months. I'm just sayin'...

3. Being told by my son that I'm "the coolest mom ever" and having him voluntarily give me a hug in public will make my day. Each and every time.

4. While spending over 5 hours on the phone with an old friend may have seemed like fun at the time, in actuality it left me feeling like I had been run over by a steamroller for the following two days. Also, it was pointless because I was left so tired that I can't remember anything about what was said.

5. I will never, ever, ever be completely caught up on my house cleaning, laundry, report writing, and crafts, so I will stop trying. The Brain and I share socks and t shirts... I'll just start getting more non gender specific clothing and say the hell with it. It'll be easier.

Have a great weekend!

Everything you never wanted to know

2006-03-08T22:42:00.000-06:00

I stumbled across this while random blog surfing. I wish I had remembered to make a note of whose blog it was on but I didn't. (Oops) Anyway, the idea is you bold the stuff you've done and everyone gets to learn a little more about you in the process. It looked fun so I thought what the hell. Because I don't know whose this is I'm not going to tag anyone. But come on... play! It's fun and all the kids are doing it!

1. Smoked a cigarette - many many cigarettes... I finally quit a little over a year ago. YAY ME!
2. Crashed a friend's car
3. Stolen a car
4. Been in love
5. Been dumped
6. Shoplifted
7. Been fired
8. Been in a fist fight - ummm... Occupational hazard, really. Well, unless you count the time I found myself in the middle of a bar fight. But all I wanted to do then was get out of the bar.
9. Snuck out of your parent's house - gotta love big bedroom windows and WD-40!
10. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - About 15 years ago I had the biggest crush on this trumpet player I knew from my orchestra days. I was devastated when I realized he was gay.
11. Been arrested
12. Gone on a blind date - NEVER, NEVER AGAIN!!!
13. Lied to a friend - It was high school... what can I say?
14. Skipped school - ummm... yep. Luckily the school secretary liked me, I was out so much my senior year the poor woman practically had a stamp just for me!
15. Seen someone die - I've been there right before or right after about a dozen times but never there for the actual event.
16. Had a crush on one of your internet friends
17. Been to Canada
18. Been to Mexico
19. Been on a plane - TOO many times to count.
20. Purposely set a part of yourself on fire - WTF?
21. Eaten sushi - ewwww!
22. Been jet-skiing - I've done everything else that a person can think of on the water, but for some strange reason, never that.
23. Met someone in person from the internet
24. Been moshing at a concert - not nearly as much fun as I would've hoped. Actually kinda hurt... all those random jabs to your spine and near dives to the concrete below.
25. Taken pain killers - plenty of times. I really should learn to be kinder to my body.
26. Loved and missed someone - My dad. I miss him every day.
27. Made a snow angel - I can almost still remember what it felt like. It seems to me that the snow kept getting down the back of my coat. I'm thinking it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
28. Had a tea party - It was outside in my backyard and we served mud cakes, thank you very much.
29. Flown a kite - Please. I have a 9 year old boy. I've reached expert status at this point.
30. Built a sand castle - Love the beach!!
31. Gone puddle jumping - As recently as two weeks ago. I got totally drenched in the rain one day and figured what the hell. If I've gotta get soaked getting back to my car, might as well have fun with it. I looked ridiculous but ah, hell. It was fun!
32. Played dress up - Um, HELLO!! I'm a girl.
33. Jumped in a pile of leaves - Every fall my son and I rake the leaves in the yard. Twice! The first time we make the biggest pile we can and then jump in and play. The second time we make a ton of several piles and bag them up.
34. Gone sledding - Yep. Never did get the hang of the steering part though... 35. Cheated while playing a game
36. Been lonely - again, occupational hazard.
37. Fallen asleep at work or school
38. Used a fake ID - LOL! Yep, and I slipped the bouncer a $20 so he wouldn't look too closely. I got the money back in the drinks he bought be later on that night. Poor guy seemed to think I was going to reward him or something. :-)
39. Watched a sun set - one of my favorite pastimes.
40. Felt an earthquake - Thank God no! I'm a Southern girl... give me an old fashioned tornado any day of the week. (I probably shouldn't say that too loudly. We're expecting severe weather tonight)
41. Touched a snake - I have a son. Enough said.
42. Slept beneath the stars - Again, I'm a Southern girl. Growing up, more nights than not were spent under the stars in the summertime. I still love it.
43. Been robbed - Does having my car broken into or having my bike stolen count?
44. Been misunderstood - constantly.
45. Petted a reindeer/goat - *grin* Have you met my son? Then you know the answer is yes. I've never seen a kid that is more into animals than him.
46. Won a contest - Too many to count.
47. Run a red light/stop sign - both while running code for work and when just running. I'm bad about those "orange" lights. :-)
48. Been suspended from school - came close a couple of times. It helped that the entire faculty thought daddy was Mafioso... none ever wanted to call him and break the news.
49. Been in a car accident - 2. The first one should have killed me. I'm very. very lucky.
50. Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - PMS anyone?
51. Had deja vu - again?
52. Danced in the moonlight - a couple of times. My favorite was on 09/11. I was working at the airport, the flight lines were all shut down so we took a cart out to the middle of the runway and danced to oldies music under the stars and the beam from the tower. My buddy Tim convinced me that it was the right thing to do. I felt (like everyone did) so cold and in shock that night. Tim convinced me that laughing and dancing were the best way to "not let them win". He was right, and I have an incredible memory to show for it. I owe him for that.
53. Liked the way you looked at least at one point in time - still do. Is that bad?
54. Witnessed a crime - *sigh* again. Occupational hazard. If I hadn't, wouldn't have been doing a very good job. Here's a clue... You're not nearly as smart or clever as you seem to think that you are.
55. Been obsessed with post-it notes - LOL! Yep. I have them everywhere. Everywhere I tell you!
56. Squished barefoot through the mud - Every summer.
57. Been lost - Have you met me? I've gotten lost in my own neighborhood twice!! It's almost funny when you think about it. An investigator with NO sense of direction!
58. Been on the opposite side of the country - Back and forth, up and down... any which way you look at it, I've been there... twice!
59. Swam in the ocean - almost every summer since moving to the US when I was 8.
60. Cried yourself to sleep - But don't tell anyone.
61. Played cops and robbers - All the time when I was growing up. I always wanted to be the cop. Go figure.
62. Recently colored with crayons - Hey! Don't knock it til you try it.
63. Sung karaoke - not for all the money in the world!
64. Paid for a meal with only coins - a meal, gas, and smokes. All with pennies! (I was 18 and desperate!)
65. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't - How about someone... does that count? Again, I was young and stupid.
66. Made prank phone calls - At every slumber party I ever attended when I was growing up.
67. Laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose- You'll want to not do this with Tequila. Trust me.
68. Caught a snow flake on your tongue - I was underwhelmed.
69. Written a letter to Santa Claus - Several times. He and I we're best buds!
70. Been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend - Surprisingly, no. I don't think I've ever actually SEEN it hung.
71. Watched the sun rise with someone you care about - Dad and I used to do that a lot when I was growing up. Those are some of my favorite memories.
72. Blown bubbles - All the time.
73. Made a bonfire on the beach - Tons of times.
74. Laughed so hard you pee your pants - While inebriated. I swear!
75. Cheated on a test - It was a Biology 2 test and the sub gave me the answers. I still feel bad about that.
76. Been kissed by someone you didn't like - I'd rather not think about this for too long. But yes. And EWWWW!!!
77. Gone skinny dipping in a pool
78. Cried to get your way
79. Given money to a homeless person
80. Gotten married or engaged to someone that you knew was a bad idea
81. Realized that your mom really does know what she's talking about
82. Followed a rainbow
83. Had sex in the rain
84. Been on a road trip with friends
85. Given or received flowers - Both. Plenty of times. It's one of my favorite pastimes.

There it is - everything you never wanted to know!

I hate computers!

2006-03-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

Can anyone tell me why when I pull up my blog on Firefox it doesn't show any new posts after February 25th but I can go to the blogger dash and it will recognize all of them from there?

Explorer for once seems fine but it appears that something is wrong with Firefox.

Grrrr!! Sometimes I really hate computers!

Alabama Girls

2006-03-08T07:12:00.000-06:00

Someone emailed this to me recently... I hope you enjoy it. Work is killing me right now but I promise a full accounting soon.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Iowa, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Indiana. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Alabama. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love those girls from Alabama.

A Little Dieting Humor

2006-03-06T22:16:00.000-06:00

I'm too tired to try and say anything that would actually make sense so I thought I'd just pass these along.

By Order of the Queen

2006-03-05T22:08:00.000-06:00

By order of the Queen, here is my picture.

Yeah, I know. It was taken from behind but it is the most recent picture I could find. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to taking a different one next month.

Thanks Queenie for getting me off my rump! Nothing like a good competition to get things moving in the right direction again.

New Movie

2006-03-04T22:02:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all! Tv Guy just finished his latest short. If you get the chance check it out - it's pretty funny!

I think he's trying to figure out the copyright stuff regarding the music, but until he can get music written for it he's just thrown in the current music.

Hopefully, the whole thing will be finished soon!

Any thoughts?

2006-03-03T10:47:00.000-06:00

Okay, so my work computer starting working for only the second time in over a month yesterday. Would you like to know what I found when I turned it on?

Would ya?

Hmmm?

I have 67 cases that are due to be finished NO LATER THAN 03/20/06. Yep. 67.

You couldn't possibly have any idea HOW MUCH FREAKIN' WORK THIS IS!!!!!
Okay, I feel better now. I just needed a moment. So if I don't see anyone for the next three weeks or so it's not because I'm ignoring you, it's because I've run away from home and have joined a band of traveling gypsies and am trying to master the art of tambourine playing.

I'm just kidding. Really.

The Brain would hate to have to dance in front of people. Having a pet monkey might be cool though.

But I'm just kidding.

I'd never really run away.

Really.

:-)

Please?

2006-03-02T11:37:00.000-06:00

I. Want. This. Car.

Thank You.

A Lesson in Humanity

2006-03-01T09:12:00.000-06:00

Last night, for no other reason than just to be nice, my next door neighbor dropped off one of these to my house. It's called a king cake, apparently it's a Mardi Gras tradition.

I found this information online about them.

King Cakes come in the Mardi Gras colors: purple, green and gold. They first appeared on the cakes after 1872, when the Rex Krewe selected those colors for its opening Mardi Gras parade. The colors come to stand for Mardi Gras and took on symbolic meanings: purple for justice, green for faith, and gold for power. Hidden in each oblong of braided coffee-cake dough is a bean or plastic baby; custom dictates that whoever finds it must give the next King cake party. And one Mardi Gras organization even uses a King cake tradition to choose the queen of its annual ball.

It is amazing to me that simple acts of kindness still have the ability to take my breath away. To understand what I mean by this you really need to know a few things about my neighbor.

You need to know that besides going over to introduce myself and bring dinner when they first moved in last fall, I haven't really spoken to them very much except in passing. You should know that this man and his wife are Katrina evacuees, they were living in New Orleans when it hit and they lost everything. Everything including his mother, two aunts, one son, and two grandchildren. They came here and lived in a hotel for several months until they could get financing to buy a house. Once they bought it, they still had to furnish it... They came literally with the clothes on their back. One of their grandchildren is in my son's class. He came to school that first day with no supplies, wearing an adult undershirt, shorts and flip flops. He spent Katrina in the Dome. He has very old eyes.

So last night at about 6:30 my doorbell rings and there stands my neighbor holding a huge box. He handed it to me and told me that it was a King Cake and he hoped we enjoyed it.

It humbled me.

We Did It!

2006-02-28T10:06:00.000-06:00

Whew! It was a long night but we did it. The room has been completely emptied of everything but the furniture to be sold and everything else has been cleaned and polished.

It really isn't that I like to live in filth, or even that I allow The Brain to run wild. The state of his room is more a testament to the year that we've just survived than it is anything else. For whatever reason, probably the warranty's expiration date, both the drawers on his dresser and his armoire gave out at about the same time last summer. It was almost funny when it happened, and of course this occurred around the same time that daddy began to need around the clock care. Between working full time, dealing with The Brain's activities, and caring for daddy there just wasn't a lot of time left over to worry about anything else.

We made an effort to keep everything in neat stacks, I bought some plastic stackables to try and get by temporarily but nothing really worked. Eventually toys, clothes, shoes, and judging by what I found last night, literally hundreds of screws wound up on the floor. Screws you ask? Yup screws. My little angel has a thing with taking things apart and making new things with the parts. Add to the fact that he's one of the worst pack rats I've ever seen and you have an idea why we had to pole vault to his bed every night!

I can be a bit OCD at times. I'm not a neat freak, but I like things to be where they should be. That's not asking too much, right? It got to the point where I just had to accept that it would be like that until I could find some new furniture for him. He's pretty much outgrown the twin bed now so I decided to get him a full size one. I wanted whatever I bought to last him until he went off to college and beyond and I wanted it to be quality stuff. I also didn't want to charge it. I hate owing money to people, I really hate finance charges and interest fees. I'd rather just wait until I can get it outright so that's what I did. It took me longer to save the money than I would've liked, but then we've had a few unexpected expenses come up. Next thing you know, it's been almost a year and you need shots to get into his room.

But, what's done is done and the new furniture will be delivered to my door on Monday morning. Of course, I have no idea HOW the hell I'm going to get it inside and put together... I'm thinking a case of beer and those day laborers again. I guess we'll just have to see.

I'm just glad it's almost over. I plan on painting his room this weekend (in between the District Pinewood Derby competition and the Symphony) and hopefully everything will be ready to go by Monday morning. That's the plan anyway.

What's the old saying? The best laid plans never get you laid like you planned.

Well, I guess we'll just have to see.

Its Monday again!

2006-02-27T16:41:00.000-06:00

So let's see... in less than 24 hours I have to have about 150 pages of reports typed up, my son's bedroom completely cleaned out and half the bedroom furniture ready to sell by tomorrow morning.

Did I mention his room looks like Katrina came and brought friends and camped out for a while? Or that I'm working on next to no sleep and may begin to hallucinate at any moment?

This should be interesting! Maybe I should find some day laborers at Lowe's buy a case of beer and see what happens. It couldn't hurt.

Really people, this is funny. You can't see the mess we have to wade through, but trust me. It's bad.

Like have you had your shots lately bad.

Like you have to pole vault to get to his bed bad.

In his defense, it's not filthy, just messy, and there is a reason and a difference for it. I'm just too tired to explain it right now.

Better get started.

Sigh.

How'd I get so lucky?

2006-02-26T14:08:00.000-06:00

Have I told you lately how glad I am that I have a kid that knows how to laugh at himself? Cause I am. Really, really glad.

Look at this kid, this kind of silliness is a blessing. Would ya be shocked to learn that he insisted on going around the whole day with his hair like this? He did. And when some old lady in Wal*Mart asked him about it he told her that he did it to make grumpy people smile.

I love this kid so much it scares me!

Times have changed!

2006-02-25T14:05:00.000-06:00

I think if you click on this it will get bigger... I hope so anyway.

It's amazing how far we've come in 50 years, isn't it?

I did it!!

2006-02-24T08:51:00.000-06:00

I can't believe after the year that I've had that I actually did it!

Yesterday marked my one year anniversary of when I gave up BOTH smoking and caffeine!

I miss it. Everyday. I've yet to see any of those signs that people always tell you to look for... food tastes the same as it always has (sometimes worse truth be told), nothing smells any better or worse to me, I don't have any more or less energy, and I haven't noticed being sick any less.

What I do have is the knowledge that I kept my word to my son. I quit, and I did it to make sure that I'm gonna be around to kiss my grandbabies.

I did it during the most difficult year of my life. I can do anything.

So celebrate with me. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been fun, but it has been worth it.

The prettiest cake... ever!

2006-02-23T08:00:00.000-06:00

The Brain has his Cub Scout Blue and Gold Banquet tonight. All of the scouts were told that as part of this there would be a competition, the boys and their dad's were supposed to make a cake (with no help from mom), decorate it, and handle all of the clean up afterwards. The cakes would be judged at the banquet and then served up for dessert for all who attend.

Because The Brain's biological dad has been MIA since he was about a year old we were told that any other close male would be able to step in and participate. The Brain decided to ask TV guy... Bless his heart!

So... Two nights ago they got together and made the cake and then last night decorated they decorated it. I did learn by the way that men tend to take you pretty literally when you say anything involving cooking. I picked out a simple chocolate recipe for them to make. You basically just add all of the ingredients together (mixing in between) and you're set. There is an order to it, and it generally is a good idea to bring the ingredients to room temp before using them, but then I guess I should have said that. I walked into the room to discover that they had simply gone down the list of ingredients and dumped everything in together. There it sat. In the bowl. Unmixed. :-) Anyway, they eventually got around to mixing it and everything worked out in the end. I kept my mouth shut. It wasn't easy!

When I picked The Brain up from school yesterday we stopped by the store and picked up cake decorating stuff. There was enough icing to frost at least two cakes... I'm not sure what happened, but I'm pretty sure that the boys had more icing on them then on the cake!
They had fun. They learned to appreciate the fine art of cake making. They allowed me to take pictures. Awesome!

Is this not the prettiest cake EVER? There's a special place in heaven for TV guy, you have only to look at these pictures to see how much it meant to The Brain.

Crack... The latest anti-depressant?

2006-02-18T00:28:00.000-06:00

I love the South... even our crackheads are happy!

Researching Wicca

2006-02-16T14:53:00.000-06:00

I've recently been thrust into a situation that dictates that I learn more about Wicca. Having just spent the last couple hours in research, I've found an interesting bit of information.

According to this site it is a much larger religion than I ever realized.

Wiccan growth rate:
A second important statistic is the rate of growth of the Wiccan community. "In May, 1998, the Chicago Tribune reported that, though difficult to quantify due to lack of formal organization, neo-paganism is the fastest-growing religion in North America with the Internet being the prime means of proselytizing." 1 Ms. Curott estimates a doubling in size every 18 months. This growth rate seems quite high, but appears to have some credibility in the Wiccan community. The ARIS survey of the American adult population indicates a growth in the Wiccan community of 17 fold between 1990 and 2001 - the highest of any faith group monitored. This would indicate a doubling in numbers of adherents about ever 2.5 years. 2

If the latter growth rate is accurate and if it continues, then Wicca would be the third largest religious group in the U.S. by about 2012, behind Christianity and Judaism.

I have no idea how accurate that information is, but I can say after the research I've done today it wouldn't surprise me to find that it's close to the mark.

To be honest, I have no interest or desire to debate the merits of Neo-paganism vs. Christianity with anyone. I'm simply curious about this and would appreciate hearing if any of you have any experiences or opinions about it of your own.

So any thoughts?

Back to the Drawing Board

2006-02-16T12:58:00.000-06:00

Every year about this time I head off to the tanning bed. I go because being a warm weather girl at heart I get a little bummed out about this time, and while I've never needed any help in the tanning department, tanning helps my mood.

Now before I get lectures on going "fake and bake" and how bad it is for my skin, and how I'm going to end up a withered old prune, let me say this:

Yeah, I know, but it's still better than the alternative. Artificial sunlight works better than any antidepressant for me. I always wear screen and I usually don't go more than once a week over a one month period. Just long enough for it to get warmer outside.

Being olive skinned I’ve never have to worry about burning, at least apparently, until now.

I went for ten minutes a couple of days ago (in a 20 minute bed) and would you like to know what happened? Can ya guess?

Yep. That's right. I burned my ass.

Lovely huh? Nothing to pull you out of a funk like a good old fashioned sunburn! GRRRR!